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Gardner had painted himself in the corner with his mention of an anniversary gift. Now his wife had her hopes up, and an ordinary gift wouldn’t do. At the very least, this meant a trip to the Wal-Mart in Cartersburg. She’d been hinting around for a television set for the kitchen so she could watch the Today Show while she drank her morning coffee. It had caused an argument when she’d first suggested it.
    “What, aren’t I good enough to talk to anymore?” he’d asked her. “You don’t even know those people. They sit up there in New York City in their fancy high-rise apartments and limousines, and you’d rather spend your morning with them than with me. That’s a fine how-do-you-do after all the years we’ve been married.”
    “You know that’s not true.”
    “Then why didn’t we go to Florida last winter? You don’t want to be alone with me, that’s why.”
    Charlie brings up their almost trip to Florida every time they argue. Winter depresses him, so this past December he’d suggested they spend a few months in Florida, at his cousin’s condo south of Tampa. But Gloria had nixed the idea and suggested he take an antidepressant instead.
    “Oh, you’d like that, wouldn’t you? Get me all drugged up and have me declared incompetent, then take all the money.”
    “Money?” she’d asked. “What money? Where’s all this money you’re talking about?”
    “Are you saying I haven’t taken good care of you? Is that what you’re saying?”
    They didn’t speak to each other for several hours before making up. Arguments for them are a slow-release aphrodisiac. They start their day bickering, then by afternoon are steaming up the windows.
    Charlie drove to Cartersburg that afternoon and bought a television set small enough to sit on their kitchen countertop. Gloria watched him unload it from the car and carry it into the garage. When he walked in the door, she asked, “What was that you were carrying in?”
    “You shouldn’t be so nosy around our anniversary.”
    “I thought my anniversary gift was already out there. Isn’t that what you told Sam this morning?”
    “You think that’s all I got you?” Charlie asked. “For crying out loud, can’t a guy get his wife two presents?”
    It was turning out to be an expensive anniversary.
    Under the guise of visiting Dr. Neely to have his heart checked, Charlie drove to Kivett’s Five and Dime and bought Gloria a parakeet. They’d had a dog, Zipper, for years, but she had died the month before, which had not been soon enough. In her last year the dog had taken to rolling in road-kill, then barging indoors to snooze behind the couch, where she couldn’t be dislodged.
    On the upside, having Zipper provided an excuse not to visit certain relatives on his wife’s side of the family. When she had suggested visiting her sister in Minnesota, he’d said, “Who’s going to take care of Zipper? Were you just going to leave her here and let her starve to death? Is that what you want? You never did like our dog, did you?”
    But with the dog dead, Charlie was without an excuse for staying home, so he bought his wife a parakeet so that he could continue avoiding people who annoyed him.
    He used to worry they would divorce, but now the momentum of years is on their side. Charlie attributes their longevity to arguments. He believes couples who talk out their problems are eventually exhausted by dialogue and find it easier to part company, while arguing permits a couple to settle disagreements with a quick, loud efficiency. At least this is his theory, and so far he’s been right.
    As for not going to bed mad, if they did that, they’d never sleep. Fortunately, Charlie and Gloria are blessed with short memories and wake up in love. The very passion that drives them to argue is the same passion that gets Charlie pumped and primed when he catches a glimpse of his wife’s naked collarbone. Then they’re off to the races. Ardor, they have learned in their