seem to have one - or that
if she did, it was certainly rather weak. Lying in Tom’s
arms, after what was really a very happy if not earth
shattering event, she told him so.
‘One man I went out with told me I was rather
forbidding. You don’t think that’s right?’
‘Not in the least. Rather the reverse. I think you are
lovely, extremely sexy and clearly not in the least frigid. But
then, I am clearly in love with you, and probably
prejudiced.’
He had, even in his everyday speech, a very elegant turn
of phrase.
Tom was extremely clever; he had gone to Oxford from a
good grammar school and got a First in history. This should
have freed him, but didn’t, from the entirely illogical sense
of inferiority he had from not having gone to public school;
he was, he told Octavia, going to be proving himself for the
rest of his life. She found this touching and baffling, not
least because he had done so well, and said so. He had
smiled and said that no one who had not been put down by
an Old Etonian in the nicest possible way on their first
night dining in College - ‘Which school? Ah. Don’t think I
know that one’ - could understand how much it mattered.
‘I know it’s silly, but I am silly. I can’t bear being second
best.’
His background was modest; his father had been an
insurance salesman, and his mother had devoted her entire
life to him. ‘I came a very poor second. I don’t think they
ever wanted children, certainly they never had any more.’
They had died within a year of each other of heart
disease: ‘Not a good prognosis for me, I’m afraid.’
Octavia was then twenty-four years old. Her own
background (adored only child of very rich man, Wycombe
Abbey and Cambridge) initially worried Tom, and he was
so nervous the first time she took him home to meet her father, he was physically shaking as he did up his jacket. No one would have known, of course. Watching him chatting
easily in the dark, heavy Hampstead drawing room,
carefully respectful, he seemed the embodiment of self
confidence and charm. It wasn’t until she was able to
reassure him, truthfully, that Felix Miller had pronounced
him ‘interesting and impressive’ that he relaxed, said he felt
himself able to continue their relationship.
As they grew closer, as it became clear Tom was
extremely important to her, his relationship with her father
darkened. Octavia, who had seen this happen before, was
terrified of the eventual outcome.
She was not just an only child, her mother had died
when she was two, giving birth to a brother, who had died
also, after three agonising days. She and her father had been
all the world to one another from that day; she adored him,
saw him as the source of all wisdom. Early boyfriends he
tolerated, or, rather, dismissed as unimportant. ‘He’s a child,
darling,’ he would say. ‘Very sweet, and of course you must
go to the party with him, you’ll have fun. But he’s not
nearly clever enough for you.’ Or ‘I suppose he’s all right. I
don’t exactly admire his manners. I think you deserve
better.’
She would say, immediately, that if he wasn’t happy
about whoever it was, she wouldn’t go to the pictures or
whatever, at which he would laugh and say, ‘My darling,
it’s not important. You’re not going to marry him, are you?
Just have fun. You’re young, you must have a good time.
Go.’ She would, with at least half her mind fixed on her
father’s judgment, and very often the first outing would be
the last. She accepted her father’s judgment in all things.
But Tom had taken Felix Miller on, in all his powerful,
manipulative jealousy, and, if he didn’t exactly win him
over, developed a modus operandi with him at least. There
had been one period - after the honeymoon of her father’s
relationship with Tom, before he had come finally to realise
that he must accept him - when Octavia had despaired. The
atmosphere whenever