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that’s the prednisone so they’re testing the eyes but I can read can’t I, up close read ten point eight point but the, the, standing up just standing up take two steps I can’t I can’t I, I can’t it’s the, not my leg jumping up it’s the kangaroo, it’s the savage doing the magic ritual kangaroo dance he is the kangaroo, one of them has become the other, he doesn’t know words, doesn’t know image and symbol, doesn’t know belief from make-believe Huizinga says, he has become the other and the other is the, the other has taken him over when I stand up and I I, I am the other, take two steps I can’t breathe can’t stand can’t sp, speak can’t walk across the the, I can’t I can’t I can’t! Got to stop it’s got to end right here can’t breathe the other can’t speak can’t cross the room can’t breathe can’t, can’t go on and I’m, I am the other. I am the other. Not the two of us living side by side like the, like some Golyadkin he invented in a bad moment no, no not those Zwei Seelen wohnen, ach! in meiner Brust one wants to leave its brother, one clings to the earth the other in derber Liebeslust no, no no no, can’t breathe can’t walk can’t stand I am the other. Flight of stairs hold on terrified, into the bathroom the tub the toilet terrified, open the refrigerator bend down and look inside terror just, just terror where’s Dodds, should have made two piles here to begin with, one books and articles and papers and clippings that are absolutely necessary the other those that aren’t absolutely necessary, thought I knew which books and articles and notes were more necessary for my work than Dodds, that’s the pile Dodds would be in but not damn! No, no here he is again! Right there my words right there my idea he’s there ahead of me before I’ve even got it written down. He even writes about it this thinking another man’s thoughts, put me in danger of deadening myself out of existence that’s his phrase I simply haven’t existed since I couldn’t manage to think my own thoughts because my thinking had actually been his thinking you see? Following his thinking wherever it went so my thinking was always wherever his thinking had taken him those are my, those are his own words so I was in no condition to do anything not that I’d ever really done anything with this respiratory condition I’d had for so long even that wasn’t mine treating it with prednisone while the side effects being bloated by too much prednisone while he’d cut it down or stopped it losing weight and gone back to large doses when I’d cut it down till I’d lost half my weight and he was getting bloated again the day I came I thought this can’t go on or he did, he thought this can’t go on this stacks of books and papers to get away, to get away I’d been in Corinth all those years before when all this started these books and notes and papers piled in front of me I’d go back, I’d go back, pack it all up and go back to Corinth, get a fresh start where it all began, see myself running through the streets went to Sparta, went to Pylos see myself at some sidewalk cafe making a note, reading all the time in the world sitting here sitting here reading and here it is! Here he is yes, going back to Palma to work, sees himself in Palma running through the street he can’t even stand up and walk across the room he’s done it again! My idea, my life, my work stolen it before I can get it down on paper it’s the, no. No! No it’s the, not Palma not Corinth not even the, no what’s lost what’s gone what’s shouting in the streets is that youth when everything’s possible good God that’s what’s gone forever. Young you’re a child, get sick get well, get chicken pox get mumps get pneumonia pull the shades take