Read Absolution for Free Online Page B

the recurring nightmare she referred to as “the running dream”. It had felt so real – she could actually feel her feet hitting the ground as she ran, her body jarring with the impact. She swore she felt the soles of her feet tingling. Not phantom pain, not some kind of muscle memory, but actual sensation. Adding to the torture, there was usually some twisted reference to the accident. Both of those elements combined to create a disturbingly effective, set-your-teeth-on-edge nightmare.
    She steeled herself against the pain squeezing her spine. She had lain awake half the night thinking about Tom and the other half thinking about Jack. She relived moment after moment as they played through her head like a movie, years of familiarity reduced down to snippets and echoes, some clearer than others. Tom was gone. Jack was here. Everything was twisted around again.
    She had cowered in her living room yesterday, while Maggie had talked to Jack on her doorstep. She had hidden from him as if she was afraid of him – what was she so scared of?
    It was so strange, hearing his voice after so long. He sounded different. Frightened. Unsure of himself. She tried to feel empathy for him but her own fear was too strong. It had taken a long time to convince herself that she didn’t need to see him or talk to him to put all of this behind her. It had allowed her a kind of closure. A truce was borne out of the passage of time coupled with the need to move on.
    But now he was back, and he brought the truth with him. She found herself questioning whether the courage, independence and sheer willpower that she had built up over the past few years would be enough. Suddenly it all seemed like smoke and mirrors.
    It was so easy to let go – to reject reality and all its limitations and just lose yourself. Occasionally, in moments of weakness, when she was worn out and disheartened, she allowed herself to daydream. Jack had never left, the accident had never happened, and she was still whole – in mind and in body. Because she didn’t feel whole anymore, and deep down she knew it wasn’t just because of the accident. It was because Jack had left and taken a piece of her with him. His rejection cut deep and it didn’t seem to matter how determined she was to ignore it or what she tried to fill it with, that hole had never gotten smaller. In her darkest hours, she was afraid that, despite her best efforts, everyone else could see it too; ugly, ragged, raw and bleeding.
    Taking a careful breath, the hot knives digging further into her spine, she mentally prepared herself to move. Counting silently to three, she reached over for the medication and bottled water on her bedside table. Her body automatically tensed against the movement, bringing a new wave of pain down on her. She rode it out, counting the seconds until it eased. Then she opened the small bottle and tipped a pill out onto the covers. She picked it up and slipped it onto her tongue, taking a clumsy sip of water to wash it down. Capping the bottle, she let it fall onto the bed beside her. Then she closed her eyes and waited for the pain to subside.
    He can’t see me like this.
    Helpless, immobile, slightly nauseous from the pain – this was not the face she wanted to show the world. This wasn’t her. There was a separation, a difference there that she was determined to show anyone who cared to look deep enough.
    What will he see? Will he look deep down, past all this, and see that I’m still here?
    She didn’t want to talk to Jack, not yet, but she knew she would have to eventually. When she did, she worried about how he would perceive her. She wanted him to see her as strong, together, whole. She definitely didn’t want him to see her like this.
    The pain began to ebb, the medication leaving her slightly light-headed. Normally she would give it a few more minutes before attempting to get up, but she could barely stand to be in her own head right now. The pain would push all