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salad, then pushes it away .
    HITLER: No more for me.
    Eva scowls at Fritz and Annette—wrong answers all around .
    FRITZ: Well…well…
    HITLER: Well, what?
    FRITZ: Nothing. Just “well, well.” I was reading the paper… [ off Eva’s scowl ] Sports section! Have you ever heard about the Chicago Cubs baseball team in America? They’re really having a year, I’m told. At baseballing. [ No responses .] Nobody?
    Hitler is staring off into space .
    EVA BRAUN: Perhaps our guests can tell us a bit about the small matters of daily life at university. Small, delightful matters.
    FRITZ: Oh, things are good. Nothing much going on. There’s the usual infighting. Not “infighting.” Uh, what’s the word. Tiffs. People have tiffs.
    HITLER: What kind of tiffs?
    FRITZ: Nothing earth-shattering.
    A BOMB whistles and crashes LOUDLY, shaking the furniture .
    HITLER: What kind of tiffs?
    FRITZ: “Tiffles.” Not even as big as tiffs. “Where did I put my hat?” “Are you wearing my hat?” “Haha, we mixed up our hats.” “We’re such silly-billies!” That kind of thing. A lot of that.
    HITLER: Must be nice.
    Eva smiles at Fritz…good stuff. Fritz is energized —
    FRITZ: Oh, it is, it is. It’s wonderful! Low stakes! You should try it sometime! I mean, join us at the university, someday. Do you ever consider what you might do after…uh…later in your, uh, career?
    Eva shakes her head, staring at her plate .
    HITLER: You mean after the thousand-year Reich is up?
    Fritz laughs .
    EVA BRAUN: I think that’s enough salad. Let’s get the main course, shall we? [ She taps her glass to summon a waiter. No one comes .] Where is that staff?
    HITLER: They’re in the bunker. They can’t hear you.
    Hitler grabs Eva’s fork to stop the tapping. A bomb explodes outside .
    HITLER: I’m sorry. This is my fault. I do apologize. I think I’ve made a mistake.
    ANNETTE: I hope you don’t mean that you made a mistake in having us to dinner. We do so love to dine with you and darling Eva—
    HITLER: I was talking about the war. World War II.
    ANNETTE: Yes…I’m familiar with it.
    FRITZ: Oh, Herr Hitler, I wouldn’t call it a mistake. I think you’re being a little hard on yourself—
    HITLER: What would you call it then? A boner? Did I pull a “real boner”?
    Eva tries to stop him—Hitler waves her off, turning to Fritz, raging —
    HITLER [cont’d]: Tell me, old friend! Say it to my face! Tell me
    I pulled a boner! Somebody, say it!
    FRITZ [ meekly ]: You pulled a boner.
    HITLER: There! Finally. Someone said it. What a fucking relief! Jesus H. Christ. That took long enough.
    FRITZ: I…still like your artwork.
    HITLER: Well, you’re an idiot.
    Lights fade as the sound of bombs rises .

Famous Quotations—Unabridged

    â€œ Don’t walk behind me; I may not lead. Don’t walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend . Or we could skip the walk and just be pen pals. Let’s do that instead. It’s cold out.”
    â€”Albert Camus

MY SPEECH TO THE GRADUATES OF THIS FINE INSTITUTION
    H ello, young people. Today is a momentous day. Today you are stripping from yourselves the protective husk of “student” and stepping into the harsh, naked, unforgiving fluorescent light of adulthood. I don’t envy you, unless you have a massive penis. If you have a massive penis, this speech is not for you. You can just daydream for the next few minutes. Think about the women you will soon be having sex with in a series of porn films. Do me a favor: can you not look into the camera when you appear in those porn films? In fact, tell the director not to allow the camera to ever show your face. I don’t want to see it. Seeing men’s faces in porn immediately kills my “zest,” if you will. Thanks, sorry about the sidetrack,