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golf outing ended when I threw three of my father’s golf clubs into the water. He didn’t talk to me for two days after that.
    I take a right turn on Monad Street (I like right turns), then a left on Twentieth Street W. (I don’t like left turns so much), cross over King Avenue W., and see the Muscular Dystrophy Association office. I pull into the parking lot.
    I am a little bit nervous. As I reach for the keys, I hear through the car speakers the opening bars of R.E.M.’s “Try Not to Breathe,” and it seems to me that this is just about the worst possible advice right now.
    – • –
    Inside the Muscular Dystrophy Association office, I am met by a woman named Sonya Starr, who smiles a lot and wears too much makeup. She firmly shakes my hand, and I think she notices that I recoil a bit at that, but her smile stays firmly attached to her face.
    “Thank you so much for coming in and helping us, Mr. Stanton.”
    Sonya Starr has more teeth than anyone I’ve ever seen, although I know this is just an illusion. The normal adult human mouth has thirty-two teeth, and it defies all statistical probability that Sonya Starr has thirty-three teeth and everyone else has thirty-two.
    “You’re welcome.”
    She smiles again. “We had expected to have two of you making calls today, but unfortunately, our other volunteer had to cancel, so it looks like it’ll just be you.”
    “Do I have to do the work of two people? Because I don’t think I can do that, since I’ve never done this before, and if that’s the requirement, I should have been told of this when I called last week.”
    Sonya Starr is not smiling anymore.
    “It’s no problem, Mr. Stanton. You do what you can do in the time that you feel you can give us. You are a volunteer, and we appreciate you for offering your time.”
    “Yes.”
    Sonya Starr is definitely not smiling anymore.
    – • –
    Sonya Starr explains to me what I will be doing today. I am to call businesses on a master list and ask if they would like to participate in the Muscular Dystrophy Association’s Turkey Time fund-raiser.
    I have a script for this:
    “Hello, Mr./Mrs. _______________. This is (your name) from the Muscular Dystrophy Association ofMontana. I am calling to see if your business is interested in helping with our Turkey Time fund-raiser. Are you familiar with Turkey Time?”
    (If the answer is no, read the next paragraph. If yes, skip to the next paragraph.)
    “Turkey Time is a fund-raiser in which customers are asked if they would like to buy a turkey for one dollar to assist the Muscular Dystrophy Association. Customers who choose to buy a turkey get a paper turkey on which they can print their name, and the turkey is displayed at your place of business. The money generated goes to the Muscular Dystrophy Association in support of our range of programs for children afflicted with this terrible disease.
    “Are you interested in taking part in this fundraiser?”
    (If the answer is yes, proceed to the bottom and explain to the business how the program is administered. If the answer is no, read the next paragraph.)
    “I’m sorry to hear that. The program is very easy to administer, requires no up-front cost to you, and helps many, many children and their families deal with the effects of this terrible disease. Are you certain that you’re not willing to take part?”
    (If the answer is yes, politely thank the business for its time. If the business now expresses interest, read the last paragraph.)
    “We thank you so much for your participation. I will now ensure that I have the correct address for your business, and then we will send you a packet with the turkeys and an explanation of how to get the money back to us.”
    (Now verify mailing address and contact information before hanging up.)
    “Again, thanks so much for your time and your generosity to the Muscular Dystrophy Association of Montana. Good-bye.”
    This is going to be exhausting.
    – • –
    After showing