Read 1951 - In a Vain Shadow for Free Online Page A

I followed her.
    ‘Mitchell...’
    I didn’t pause nor look round. I wouldn’t have stopped if he had been pointing a gun at me.
    I followed her into the kitchen: a barn of a place, chilly and not over clean. The washed crockery was piled on the table. A soiled dishcloth lay on the floor by the sink, where she had dropped it.
    She pointed to two coalscuttles. I picked them up.
    ‘I suppose I’d better come with you. It’s dark out there.’
    ‘Tell me. I’ll find it.’
    It was like talking to someone in a dream: the words meant nothing. I just wanted to grab her, ‘I’ll show you.’
    She opened the back door and went out into the darkness.
    I followed the sound of her footsteps, scarcely breathing, the pulse each side of my temples pounding.
    She opened a door and turned on a light.
    ‘You can find your way back, can’t you?’
    I put the two scuttles down.
    ‘Yes.’
    As she turned I reached out and caught hold of her wrist. She showed no surprise, but looked at me with the same blank, stony stare, wrenched her wrist free and walked away, neither fast nor slow; as if it hadn’t happened.
    I clenched my fist, trying to imprison the feet of her flesh that I imagined was still on my hand. I stared into the darkness, listening to her footfalls, bewildered by the suddenness of this thing: unable to explain it, hating Sarek and hating myself.
    I remained still for several minutes, then I took hold of myself and shovelled the coal into the scuttles. I turned out the light, picked up the scuttles and groped my way back to the house.
    She had left the back door open and the light from the kitchen lamp came out into the dark yard.
    She wasn’t in the kitchen.
    I put the two scuttles down by the boiler, washed my hands in the sink, turned to the door.
    On the dresser was a bottle of whisky. I picked it up, jerked out the cork and took a long pull from the bottle. I drank until the neat spirit burned my mouth and throat, then I rammed the cork back and put the bottle where I had found it.
    ‘Checkmate.’
    I pushed back my chair and somehow hitched on a smile.
    ‘Well, I asked for it. Thanks’ anyway, for the game. I’m sorry I put up such a rotten show.’
    He began rearranging the pieces.
    ‘Is all right. You play a good game. I was very surprised when you open with the Steinitz gambit. Ah! I thought, is a chess player. Steinitz make a very difficult game. But then poof! You no longer think of the game. Your mind go far away. You play automatic. Is no good for chess. What is it you think about, hey?’
    I wondered what he would say if I told him.
    ‘I wasn’t in the mood; that’s all; I play a fair game when I’m in the mood, but it was no good tonight.’
    ‘It was no good.’
    I looked furtively at the clock on the mantelpiece. It was twenty minutes past nine.
    ‘Well, I guess I’ll take a walk around the house.’
    ‘A walk? What for do you want to walk round the house?’
    ‘I’m your bodyguard, aren’t I? I’m going to have a look around before turning in.’
    His little eyes opened wide.
    ‘You think is danger - here?’
    ‘I don’t know.’ I lit a cigarette and tossed the match into the fireplace. ‘I’m not even convinced you’re in danger anywhere, but so long as you think you are and so long as you pay me I’m not taking any chances.’
    That seemed to please him.
    ‘Have a look around then. Is a good torch in the kitchen. Maybe when you get back we play more chess, hey?’
    ‘I’d just as soon go to bed I’m not in the mood for chess.’
    ‘All right. Go to bed. You read in bed?’
    ‘No I don’t read much.’
    ‘Mrs. Sarek read all the time. Read trash.’ He scowled into the fire. ‘Love stories. You read love stories perhaps?’
    ‘I don’t need to. I can get a woman when I want one.’
    That jumped out before I could stop it. He looked up quickly, his brows coming down, his face darkening.
    ‘What was that you say?’
    ‘Oh, nothing.’
    There was a cold wind blowing