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part of a bucket list.”
    I grimaced. “Bucket list, like the movie with Jack Nicholson?”
    She nodded curtly.
    “Sorry, but I don’t think trekking around Nepal will help me any.”
    She waved away my words. “Life lists aren’t just for older people. And it can be full of anything you want. Starting to make some new goals for yourself is a way you can honor Conner, living life to the fullest. It can be stuff you want to do, or things he wanted to do. Either way you’ll be taking positive steps to move on.”
    I didn’t know if I wanted to give in—
after all, she can’t make me, can she?—
so I stood, wandered to her open window, arms hugging myself for what felt like a long time. “How long does this list need to be?”
    “The length is up to you,” she answered, her voice barely a whisper.
    Dr. Judy lived for crisis management, but I admired how this strong woman kept her voice soft and controlled, especially when I felt like a ticking bomb all the time.
    “I’d rather you decide. You’re the expert.”
    While I waited for her answer, I kept my back to her. The air was thick with the smell of air freshener, lavender to calm the senses. If only serenity came so easily.
    “How about eighteen?”
    I leaned against the side of the windowsill. “Why eighteen?”
    People walked the streets, enjoying the start of summer. People who were eating ice cream, walking their dogs, window shopping, bike riding, skate boarding. I didn’t envy them, and none of them should’ve pitied me. I deserved this pain.
    Metal grating against tile caused me to turn. “Well, you’ll turn eighteen this year, correct?”
    I nodded, even though I couldn’t imagine celebrating.
    “You could title your list, ‘18 Things’. Eighteen things to do the year you turn eighteen, a journey to remind yourself to stay positive as your soul is on its way to wholeness again. I want you to carefully think of each task, visualize yourself completing it, and then do it. By the time you finish, it’ll be time for you to leave this place, hopefully with some closure, and ready to begin the next chapter in your… life.”
    Moving on should’ve sounded comforting, but her words didn’t console. And why had she paused before that last word, like she wasn’t confident I could do it? “You said hopefully. What if it doesn’t work?”
    Actually, that wasn’t the scary part. Not the question, ‘what if nothing ever works to fill this giant void left inside me?’ The scary part was not having my pain, because then I’d have nothing.
    Shaking my head, I reached in my pocket for my asthma inhaler but came up empty. I didn’t have it. In fact, I hadn’t needed it since the day after Conner’s funeral, which was weird since I’d never been so panicked.
    Judy’s eyes widened. “Let’s not focus on what ifs. One day at a time. See where that takes us, okay?” She stood and handed me my piece of paper and pen. “And one more thing: I think we’re ready to cut down your weekly counseling sessions to twice a month. Does that sound all right to you?”
    “Yes.” I moved toward the door, but glanced backwards at the painting of Grand Haven Pier, unsure.
    As I exited her office, she told Nate he could come in.
    Now I was sad for another reason. I didn’t want him to feel as alone as I had these past two months. Plus, if I was being honest, I was drawn to him in a way I couldn’t understand, but I wanted to.
    “Um, Nate, I’m going to the beach with some of my friends on Monday around noon for a picnic. You’re welcome to meet us by the Grand Haven Pier and hang out.”
    He smiled and nodded, and I couldn’t help but notice Dr. Judy did the same thing.
    “I’ll see you there,” he said.



“The only rules that matter are these:
what a man can do and what a man can’t do.”
―Captain Jack Sparrow
    ucking in deep, calming breaths as I left Dr. Judy’s office, I searched for a bathroom to have my nervous breakdown in private, and