Read 12 Twelve Sharp for Free Online Page A

anything here. I've never even been here before.'
    The woman hurried on, and Lula shook her head at me.
    'That is so sad,' Lula said. 'That shows low self-esteem. That shows you got no pride in your sexual side. You should've told that woman you were going in to get a vibrator and edible massage oils. This here's the twenty-first century. Just 'cause we're women don't mean we can't be sick as men.'
    'It's not the twenty-first century in the Burg. My mother would get an eye twitch if she heard I was shopping in the Pleasure Treasures.'
    'Yeah, but I bet your Grandma Mazur shops here all the time,' Lula said, walking into the store, going into browse mode. 'Look at all those dildos. A whole wall of dildos.' Lula picked one off a shelf and pushed a button and it started to hum and rotate. This here's a good one,' she said. 'It can sing and dance.'
    I had no frame of reference for dildos. 'Yeah,' I said, 'it's… nice.'
    'It ain't nice!' Lula said, obviously impressed. 'It's a nasty bugger.'
    'That's what I meant. Nice and nasty.'
    She handed me the dancing dildo. 'Here, you hold it for me while I look around. I want to check out the DVD selection.'
    I followed Lula to the DVDs.
    'They got a good selection,' Lula said. 'They got all the classics like Debbie Does Dallas and Horny Little People. And here's my personal favorite, Big Boys. Have you seen Big Boys?'
    I shook my head, no.
    'You gotta see Big Boys. It'll change your life. I'm gonna buy Big Boys for you.'
    'That's okay, I don't—'
    'It's a present from me.' She handed me the DVD. 'Hang onto it while I keep looking.'
    'We're supposed to be working,' I said. 'Remember how we came in here to apprehend Caroline Scarzolli?'
    'Yeah, but that's her over there behind the counter, and she don't look like she's going anywhere. She looks just like her picture. I bet she's wearing a wig. Don't it look like a wig to you?'
    Caroline was seventy-two years old, according to her bond sheet. She had skin like an alligator and bleached blond hair that was teased into a rat's nest. If it was a wig, she got swindled no matter what she paid. She was wearing orthopedic shoes, fishnet stockings, a tight spandex miniskirt, and a skimpy tank top that showed a lot of wrinkled cleavage. I was guessing she smoked three packs a day and slept naked in a tanning bed.
    I glanced at my watch.
    'Okay, I can see you're all antsy to make this bust. How about we check out, and then we give her the bad news?'
    'Deal.'
    Lula took the dildo and the DVD to the register and handed Caroline her credit card.
    'We're having a two-for-one sale on dildos,' Caroline said. 'Don't you want to pick out a second?'
    'Hear that?' Lula said to me. 'Two-for-one sale. Go get yourself a dildo.'
    'I don't actually need—'
    'Two for one!' Lula said. 'Pick one, for crying out loud. How many times in life do you get offered a free dildo?'
    I took the first one I saw and brought it to Lula.
    'That's a beauty,' Caroline said. 'You have good taste. It's our precision replica of the famous adult movie star Herbert Horsecock. It weighs five pounds and it's solid rubber. It's one of our few uncircumsized dildos. It even comes in a special-edition red velvet drawstring carrying sack.'
    Lula got her credit card back and took possession of the dildos. 'Okay,' she said to me. 'Do your thing.'
    I gave Caroline my card and introduced myself and gave her the baloney about rebonding.
    'Who's going to watch the store if I leave now?' she asked.
    'Is there someone you can call to come in and babysit?'
    'What, like my ninety-year-old mother?'
    'You're not exactly doing a lot of business,' I told her.
    'Sweetie, I just sold over a hundred dollars worth of shit.'
    'You sold it to Lula!'
    'Yeah,' Caroline said in her deep smoker's voice. 'Life is good.'
    'It isn't that good,' I told her. 'You're going to have to come with me. Now.'
    'Okay,' she said. 'Just let me get something.' And she dipped behind the counter.
    'What are you getting?' I asked.
    She