What a Carve Up!

Read What a Carve Up! for Free Online

Book: Read What a Carve Up! for Free Online
Authors: Jonathan Coe
without consulting him. All the same, there was no hint of a quarrel. My parents never quarrelled. He simply muttered something to the effect that he hoped they would sit in the back.
    But it was the women who sat in the back, of course, with me sandwiched in between. Grandpa sat in the passenger seat with a road atlas open on his knees and that distant, facetious smile which clearly announced that my father was in for a hard time. They had already been arguing about which car they should take. My grandparents’ Volkswagen was old and unreliable but Grandpa never missed an opportunity to pour scorn on the British models which my father, who worked for a local engineering firm, had a small hand in designing and bought out of loyalty both to his employers and to his country.
    ‘Fingers crossed,’ said Grandpa, as my father reached for the ignition key. And when the car started first time: ‘Wonders will never cease.’
    I had been given a travelling chess set for my birthday, so Grandma and I played a few games to while away the journey. Neither of us understood the rules at all, but we didn’t like to admit this to each other and managed to get by with an improvisation that was something like a cross between draughts and table football. My mother, withdrawn and reflective as ever, merely stared out of the window: or perhaps she was listening to the conversation from the front of the car.
    ‘What’s the matter?’ Grandpa was saying. ‘Are you trying to save petrol or something?’
    My father took no notice of this.
    ‘You can do fifty miles along here, you know,’ he went on. ‘It’s a fifty-mile limit.’
    ‘We don’t want to get there too early. We’re in no hurry.’
    ‘Mind you, I suppose this old crock soon starts to rattle if you try going above forty-five. We want to get there in one piece, after all. Hang on, though, I think that bicycle behind us wants to overtake.’
    ‘Look, Michael, cows!’ said my mother, by way of diversion.
    ‘Where?’
    ‘In the field.’
    ‘The boy’s seen cows before,’ said Grandpa. ‘Leave him be. Can anybody hear a rattle?’
    Nobody could hear a rattle.
    ‘I’m sure I can hear a rattle. Sounds like one of the fittings or something, coming loose.’ He turned to my father. ‘Which bit of this car was it that you designed, Ted? The ashtrays, wasn’t it?’
    ‘The steering column,’ said my father.
    ‘Look, Michael, sheep!’
    We parked at the sea front. The wisps of cloud streaking the sky made me think of candy floss, setting in motion a train of thought which led inevitably to a booth by the pier, where my grandparents bought me a huge pink ball of the glutinous ambrosia, and a stick of rock which I put by for later. Normally my father would have said something about the adverse effects – dental and psychological – of granting me such favours, but because it was my birthday he let it pass. I sat on a low wall overlooking the sea and gobbled the candy floss down, savouring the delicious tension between its unthinkable sweetness and the slightly prickly texture, until I got about three quarters of the way through and started to feel sick. It was quiet on the sea front. Cocooned in my own happiness, I wasn’t paying much attention to the passers-by, but I have a hazy impression of respectful couples walking arm in arm, and of a few older people striding past more purposefully, dressed for church.
    ‘I hope it wasn’t a mistake,’ whispered my mother, ‘coming on a Sunday. It would be awful if nothing was open.’
    Grandpa treated my father to one of his more eloquent winks: in a moment it combined malicious sympathy with the amused recognition of a familiar situation.
    ‘Looks like she’s dropped you in it again,’ he said.
    ‘Well, birthday boy,’ said my mother, wiping my lips with a tissue. ‘Where do you want to start?’
    We went to the aquarium first. It was probably a very good aquarium, but I have only the palest recollection: strange to

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