donât really know. They canât know anything for sure because no one goes back through The Rift. Ezra will never go back. The Roones are stuck here, too. The one exception is that Karekins keep coming, though no one can figure out how or why. Itâs such bullshitâall of it. I am so drained from today that I just want to sit here and try to think about nothing for a while.
But I pull myself up from the couch and make my way into the kitchen. We rotate cooking duties in the house. Nike is pretty far from Battle Ground. Sometimes my mom is in the car for two hours a day. Since itâs my fault weâre even in Battle Ground to begin with, I donât mind picking up some of the slack. My brother, Abel, is three years younger than me and has just started high school. He is useless in the kitchen, so heâs exempt. Cooking is one of the few things he canât do. Heâs one of those people who seem to excel at everything they try. Heâs a natural athlete, heâs artistic like my dad, he gets straight Asâbut I rarely see him doing much work. Heâs already over six feet tall and very handsome. He looks Scandinavian, but dark haired, like my dad. Actually, the first time I went to Stockholm to see my grandparents, I saw that most people have brown hair, which surprised me at first. That and the fact that they are insanely good-looking. Like, every random person just walking down the street could be a model. Itâs weird. I would be jealous of Abel, but honestly, if he had been average, like me, he might have been chosen to be a Citadel. I am so glad that heâs not one; I can get past the fact that he is so frigginâ good at everything.
I begin to cook sausage in an old Le Creuset pot that my mom has had since before she and my dad were married. I start boiling water for the pasta. I cut up the smooth-skinned peppers with an efficiency that belies my skill with knives. Even as I do these mundane things, I think, I am a killer . Not really a murderer, because itâs all in the name of defense, of my life and the lives of those in Battle Ground and beyond. But a killer just the same. Sure, the way ARC says it, everything sounds quite reasonable. Heroic, even.
Then why donât I feel like a hero?
Each life I take takes a little something from me. I feel impossibly old for my seventeen years. I am not an innocent. I think about Ezraâs hands when he waved them in front of me, thanking me for not restraining him. Where do you even go from there? Is that any kind of beginning to a romance? I roll my eyes. I canât have a romance with Ezra and there are so many reasons why that come tumbling into my thought process, they are beyond counting. I put the peppers into the pot and add some garlic as my mom walks through the front door. I hear her kick off her shoes and the thump of her bag on the formal dining room table.
âThat smells good,â my mom says. âPasta?â
âUh-huh,â I reply. I look at her and smile quickly. Her pale blond hair falls loose to her shoulders. She is wearing jeans, a cotton button-down blouse, and sneakers. Since she works at Nike, her clothes are sporty and comfortable, but somehow she always manages to look chic. She layers necklaces, winds scarves brilliantly around her neck, stacks leather and gold bracelets on her wrists, has big chunky belts, and even the cut of her jeansâslouchy but fittedâis elegant. I can attribute this only to her being European. A cultural thingânot geneticâbecause no one would accuse me of being stylish. I rarely think about what I wear. More often than not itâs yoga pants and boxy T-shirts with Converse sneakers in the summer and boots in the winter. In a way, my sartorial choices are great, because the rules are clear: We are not to draw any unnecessary attention to ourselves. I think Iâve worn makeup maybe twice in my life. Iâm sure this must be somewhat
Raly Radouloff, Terence Winkless