Read The Darwin Awards Next Evolution: Chlorinating the Gene Pool for Free Online
Authors: Wendy Northcutt
one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant, a two-second burst would cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control, and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
A burst longer than three seconds would be a waste of batteries.
I’m sitting there alone, with Gracie looking on, her head cocked to one side as if to say, “Don’t do it.” But I was reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little device couldn’t hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst, just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and…
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!
Jesse Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up from my recliner, and body-slammed us both onto the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, tingling legs, nipples on fire, and testicles nowhere to be found.
SON OF A…That hurt like HELL!
If you ever feel compelled to “mug” yourself with a Taser, you should know that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that Taser until it is dislodged from your hand by your involuntary violent thrashing about on the floor.
A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was relative), I collected what wits I had left, sat up, and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there? My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it was shot up with novocaine. My bottom lip weighed eighty-eight pounds. And I’m still looking for my testicles!!
I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return.
Still in shock,
Earl
Reference: Urban Legend
SCIENCE INTERLUDE: THAT WAS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
By Shelley Batts
Y ou stand at a precipice looking down. Forty feet below is a water-filled quarry. Your friends are urging you to jump. Although your brain knows the water is shallow, those beers you drank have imbued you with false bravery. With a running start and a barbaric yawp you fling yourself into the air, landing on your head and breaking your neck. You’re dead. Game over.
What did alcohol do to your brain to make your estimation of risk so far off-base?
The Darwin Awards provide ample evidence that humans have no problem shuffling off this mortal coil as a result of plain old bad decisions. But adding mind-addling drugs to the decision-making process further impairs judgment and increases risk-taking behavior, setting the stage for some amusingly lethal acts of stupidity. From jumping into a bear cage while drunk to partaking in alcohol enemas acute inebriation has been the impetus behind many Darwin Awards.
----
Some people turn bright red when they consume even a little alcohol. A person’s ability to eliminate alcohol depends on the enzymatic activity of acetaldehyde dehydrogenase in the liver. Three genes encode this enzyme. A dominant mutation in one of these genes reduces its ability to break down acetaldehyde, resulting in symptoms of acetyladehyde poisoning—a flushed face and increased heart rate and respiration. People with this mutation are less likely to become alcoholics, but more likely to suffer liver damage from overaccumulation of acetaldehyde.
----
Alcohol
Besides caffeine, alcohol is the most commonly used legal drug. If you want to be the most popular person at the bar, bring a digital Breathalyzer and test your blood alcohol concentration (BAC) throughout the night. Without fail people will gravitate toward you to measure their own intoxication, often resulting in a contest for the highest BAC. The amount of alcohol circulating in your bloodstream indicates the effects you can expect. BAC levels of 0.03–0.12 percent result in euphoria, which explains why it is a popular social drug. However,
A burst longer than three seconds would be a waste of batteries.
I’m sitting there alone, with Gracie looking on, her head cocked to one side as if to say, “Don’t do it.” But I was reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little device couldn’t hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst, just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and…
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!
Jesse Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up from my recliner, and body-slammed us both onto the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, tingling legs, nipples on fire, and testicles nowhere to be found.
SON OF A…That hurt like HELL!
If you ever feel compelled to “mug” yourself with a Taser, you should know that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that Taser until it is dislodged from your hand by your involuntary violent thrashing about on the floor.
A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was relative), I collected what wits I had left, sat up, and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there? My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it was shot up with novocaine. My bottom lip weighed eighty-eight pounds. And I’m still looking for my testicles!!
I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return.
Still in shock,
Earl
Reference: Urban Legend
SCIENCE INTERLUDE: THAT WAS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS
By Shelley Batts
Y ou stand at a precipice looking down. Forty feet below is a water-filled quarry. Your friends are urging you to jump. Although your brain knows the water is shallow, those beers you drank have imbued you with false bravery. With a running start and a barbaric yawp you fling yourself into the air, landing on your head and breaking your neck. You’re dead. Game over.
What did alcohol do to your brain to make your estimation of risk so far off-base?
The Darwin Awards provide ample evidence that humans have no problem shuffling off this mortal coil as a result of plain old bad decisions. But adding mind-addling drugs to the decision-making process further impairs judgment and increases risk-taking behavior, setting the stage for some amusingly lethal acts of stupidity. From jumping into a bear cage while drunk to partaking in alcohol enemas acute inebriation has been the impetus behind many Darwin Awards.
----
Some people turn bright red when they consume even a little alcohol. A person’s ability to eliminate alcohol depends on the enzymatic activity of acetaldehyde dehydrogenase in the liver. Three genes encode this enzyme. A dominant mutation in one of these genes reduces its ability to break down acetaldehyde, resulting in symptoms of acetyladehyde poisoning—a flushed face and increased heart rate and respiration. People with this mutation are less likely to become alcoholics, but more likely to suffer liver damage from overaccumulation of acetaldehyde.
----
Alcohol
Besides caffeine, alcohol is the most commonly used legal drug. If you want to be the most popular person at the bar, bring a digital Breathalyzer and test your blood alcohol concentration (BAC) throughout the night. Without fail people will gravitate toward you to measure their own intoxication, often resulting in a contest for the highest BAC. The amount of alcohol circulating in your bloodstream indicates the effects you can expect. BAC levels of 0.03–0.12 percent result in euphoria, which explains why it is a popular social drug. However,
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