Read Tell Me Again How a Crush Should Feel for Free Online

“Yeah.” My voice cracks. How embarrassing. She cocks her head back, laughing again at my expense. “I guess I’m a little nervous for the audition. I haven’t really done this before.”
    “Me neither. But it should be fun. Nothing to lose, right?”
    She stands up and faces me, reaching for my hand.
    “Come on. Let’s go in.”
    I smile and take her offered hand. She doesn’t let go as we walk down the ramp into the auditorium. Taryn, one of the tech crew, pops out of the side stage door, carrying a prop trunk. “You’re in my way,” she grumbles.
    I know exactly who I would be expected to hang out with if I came out: the theater tech girls. There are three of them who are for sure gay, and I always compare myself with them and think,
Is this my future? Will I become like them, or even date one of them?
    Taryn, gay tech number one, has not smiled once in public. She has a website where she sells T-shirts that say
I screwed Taryn.
She enjoys flame throwing, photography, and particularly taking photos of her friends smashing furniture with baseball bats. And never shaves her legs. Simone, gay tech number two, wears a bandana every day, knits sweaters, and rows on the crew team. I’m pretty sure Christina, gay tech number three, is not only a lesbian but also a vampire.
    They are all vegan, they all listen to feminist folk music by the likes of Erin McKeown, and they all work on tech stuff, building sets and setting up lighting cues in the theater. Even Ashley doesn’t bother the tech girls, probably because she’s afraid of them. I have to give them credit—they’re very much themselves, and that’s not always easy. But I look at them and I just don’t know if we’d get along. And shouldn’t we, as part of the lesbian tribe?
    I begin to sidestep and expect Saskia to do the same, but she doesn’t.
    “Manners like that are unbecoming, don’t you think?” Saskia asks loudly.
    “Move,” Taryn says gruffly. “This shit is heavy.” She glances at our linked hands. I pull awkwardly away from Saskia to make a path for Taryn. She skulks by, and Saskia leads us down the ramp.
    “She’s a gem,” Saskia says. “I didn’t know they admitted trolls.” She walks into the auditorium as though she’s been there dozens of times, while I marvel that Saskia’s not intimidated by Taryn and wonder why I am. Tess is already sitting near the middle of the auditorium, but Saskia pulls me toward the few rows in the front. I look back at Tess, who points to the empty seat next to her.
    “Should we go sit with my friend Tess?” I ask Saskia as we sit down.
    “I want to sit up front so the director notices us. We are stars in the making, and we should present ourselves as such,” Saskia says. I can’t argue with that, can I?
    Mr. Kessler, the drama teacher, comes onstage and opens up his notebook while other students file in. Not too many people have shown up—probably about as many as there are roles in the play. Maybe that means no one will have to face rejection. After a few minutes of silence, Mr. Kessler looks up from his notebook and faces us.
    “Okay, so I am sure we are all excited about
Twelfth Night
! It’s a play by Shakespeare—you may have heard of him. I’m sure he’s going to be a big deal someday.” No one laughs. “Anyway, this play is one of my favorites. It’s a comedy with gender bending and mistaken identity. Kind of like my time at college.”
    Crickets.
    “Okay, so you all have your monologues. Just do your best. Tomas?” Mr. Kessler nods to Tomas Calvin before sitting down in his seat, facing the stage. There are a few kids at Armstead who are out, and no one has been more out and proud than Tomas.
    A secret admirer left a beautiful note in Tomas’s locker a week after he came out. Apparently the note said how brave Tomas was and how it inspired the secret admirer to grapple with his own feelings. The note asked Tomas to meet his admirer in the school auditorium after school.