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she doesn’t, I’ll end up going with a broken nose, a look I’m sure she
wouldn’t like.
    We stop in front of a red car that looks brand new,
and expensive. I don’t know what it is, I’ve never been able to tell a Volvo
from a BMW, but I know it’s not like anything I’ve ever seen before.
    I pause and gawk at it. Rogan would have drooled over
this if he had seen it. I look over the top of the hood and see Rachel is
standing by an open driver’s side door looking expectantly at me. I’m
dumbfounded. “Is this yours?”
    She looks incredulously at me as if I just hinted at
the possibility that we were stealing it, then actually blushes. “Yeah, my dad
kinda bought it for me as a graduation present. I know it’s pretentious, but I
couldn’t deny it since he went through the trouble of buying it, and I do sort
of love it now.” She looks contritely at me and I feel bad for making her feel
like I’m judging her. It’s just that I’ve never known anyone who could afford a
car like this.
    “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel bad; I just
didn’t know you had a car, let alone one this nice. My ex would have flipped if
he had seen this.” I’m still staring at it, mesmerized, lost in thought when I
realize what I’m thinking, or more precisely, who I’m thinking about, and
suddenly I feel completely shattered.
    I can’t see the car anymore through the tears flooding
my eyes. I clutch my chest and beg. Oh, please not now. Not in front of Rachel.
Not on the curb of a very public, busy, sidewalk. Please, just let me breathe.
This is just another hour of another day. Please . . .  I silently
beg the same unseen force that sentenced me to this life in the first place.
I’m not sure anymore what I’m begging for, but I keep right on begging.
    I feel arms around me as I collapse onto the cold
pavement.

Chapter Four
    Three years ago .
. .
    “Babe, I know you probably don’t want to go out, but I
think it might do us good, and I think you’ll like where I’m taking you.”
    I force a smile and nod. That’s all I’ve done lately,
and even that is draining, but it’s our one-year anniversary and I’ve known
since before everything happened that Rogan had been planning something
romantic. I can’t ruin this for him.
    We’re sitting in his car in front of my house, having
just come back from eating breakfast, or more so him eating and me picking at
the same pancake for half an hour. I haven’t had much of an appetite lately.
When I see he’s looking at me with the same sad expression he’s had on his face
since the last time I freaked out on him, which was just last night, I wish so
badly that he didn’t look so sad and that I wasn’t the one who was making him
look like that, but I can’t seem to break free from this horrid monster that
I’m bound to.
    I can’t remember the last time I actually slept. If
the bags under my eyes are any indication, then I think it’s safe to say it’s
been a while ago. When I shut my eyes I’m back on Luke’s doorstep trying to
reach for him, trying to pull him back and away from his open door, but I can’t
keep hold of him and I lose him all over again.
    I paint on a smile and try again. “I’m sorry, baby. I
know you’ve been working hard on this surprise and I really am excited. I
swear.” His face brightens slightly, and I can’t help the genuine smile that
spreads across my face. Though it fades as quickly as it came, it doesn’t feel
right to smile. I’m close to falling back into that black hole, but I at least
need to get through tonight. Rogan deserves that.
    He reaches for my hand, and the warmth of his skin
warms more than just my body. It spreads through every organ, every cell, every
platelet, and every shred of my soul. I close my eyes and breathe in the first
deep breath I can remember taking in what feels like years. It’s just one
breath, but it’s the first real breath I’ve taken since I found out Luke was
dead. Just