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asked a fellow I know in the Party, and I asked at the Youth Office. They said it would be best to marry, seeing as I was the father of the children. I’d be better off that way. On account of the payments and that.
    – With the first kid she went and got my wagesseized because I hadn’t paid up on the dot, and I didn’t want no more of that. So then, well, I married her.

Walburga
     
    He didn’t come home from his shift till very late that morning, I remember that. Could’ve been around quarter to five. It wasn’t anything unusual, he was often very late home from work.
    Not that I asked why. It was fine by me, him coming home so late.
    His clothes were all dirty – ‘from work’, that’s what he told me. He undressed and washed at the kitchen tap. Then he sat down at the table to eat his breakfast. I’d made it by then, same as always. I mean, I knew what would happen once he’d finished his breakfast.
    He’d grab hold of me by the wrist, haul me over to the kitchen table, or the sofa, or just push me up against the door. He’d hold me there with one hand, press the whole weight of his body up against me so as I couldn’t hardly move, he’d grope under my nightie with the other hand. Spreading my legs, really rough-like. Push himself inside me withoutwasting no time. No feelings, no affection, so rough and violent I was getting worse and worse scared. Every time.
    I’d close my eyes and keep still, didn’t want to get him even more excited. There was times he let go of me, sudden-like, before he came. Then he’d slag me off for being so cold and not moving, no passion, he said, no wildness. He’d have to get his satisfaction somewhere else, he’d say, if he didn’t fancy just bringing himself off.
    When he was in bed that day, 30 September 1938, it was, I plucked up all my courage and asked him for more housekeeping money.
    The money simply wouldn’t stretch, I said. He’d have to give me more if I was to get all those things. Even the monthly rent for our little apartment comes to twenty-five Reichsmarks, and then there was instalments to pay on the furniture we’d bought, and the little boys had to eat too, they needed clothes. However careful I was with the housekeeping money, I said, however hard I watched every penny I spent, those twenty-five marks a week housekeeping just weren’t enough.
    All of a sudden he threw back the covers of the bed, shouting. Jumped right out of bed and went for me. I hadn’t expected it. I mean, I didn’t think he’d turn so violent. I just stood there. Couldn’thardly move a muscle. I stood there hearing him shouting and carrying on.
    He never had a moment’s peace in this place, he shouted, what more did I want, wasn’t I satisfied with ruining his life already? Forcing him into a marriage he’d never wanted. And all because of that little bastard.
    He kicked the cot where the baby was lying. He kept on kicking it and kicking it. It wasn’t till then I managed to move again. I ran to the baby. To protect him.
    That’s when the blow hit me. He punched me right in the face. I hadn’t seen him coming, just felt his fist punching my face, and the blood running slowly down my nose, all warm.
    It wasn’t till then the pain came. And my anger. The force of that blow had thrown me on the bed, I wanted to get up, I was trying to defend myself. But even before I was on my feet he hit me again. I fell back on the bed.
    ‘Next time you can bloody stay lying there. You won’t move no more, you and your bastards!’
    And with that he turned, put on clean clothes and went out of the house.
    All this time I just sat there dumbstruck, watching him.
    It was after that I packed up the bare necessities.Took the two screaming kids and left the place before he could get back.
    I went to my parents with the children. That same day I went off to Munich on my own to file for divorce. I didn’t care about the people on the train looking at me. Some of them kind of