Read Festivus for Free Online

former owner of the Sonora Brewery in Pheonix and creator, in 2002, of a malty ale he dubbed “Festivus,” believes his creation was a huge success.
    “It was very well received,” said Watt, who promoted the ale at a Spring Festivus ‘04 party (which also featured a human gyroscope ride). “It was one of our faster movers.”
    Watt’s assistant brewer at the time, Scott Yarosh, scoffed at his old boss’s memory. “It sold well in October,” Yarosh said. “The rest of the year it didn’t.”
    In 2005, Yarosh bought the brewery from Watt, who moved to Oregon where his new job is repairing automobile glass. For Yarosh, Festivus is finished. “I never really liked the name,” he says. “Because of the
Seinfeld
connotations. I didn’t want to get into a political thing. If someone wasn’t a fan of
Seinfeld,
I didn’t want them to not like my beer.”
    Yarosh has different ideas about how to name beers so they’ll sell well. Burning Bird Pale Ale is a name he prefers over Festivus.
    Watt says his former underling was always putting forth terrible marketing ideas. Killing Festivus is another one. “He’s missing an opportunity,” Watt says. “What’s his deal?”
    Yarosh doesn’t care what Watt thinks. “I wouldn’t,” he says, “call him a friend.”
    Crushed Spirits
    Created by a New Yorker who asked to be referred to as “Festina the Helpful Festivus Elf.”
    a thumb-sized piece of fresh ginger, peeled and inserted into a garlic press
    crushed ice
    2 ounces bourbon
    4 ounces San Pellegrino Limonata (you can substitute this with sour mix and a squirt of soda)
    Crush a little of the ginger into the bottom of a glass. Add the crushed ice and bourbon. If you are feeling particularly rough, it might help you to give the drink a few good shakes before you add the soda, but this is not necessary for the drink’s sake.
    FESTIVUS WINE
    Unlike Festivus beer, Festivus wine, made in Okema, Oklahoma, has been a success. It could be that the idea of bottling wine in the town where Woody Guthrie was born pleases the “this land was made for you and me” spirit of Festivus. Or it could be that a holiday that first flourished in southern Italy prefers being accompanied by the fruit of the vine rather than the ferment of dusty grain.
    “Our ranch is seven hundred acres in Oklahoma,” says Jack Whiteman, co-owner of Grape Ranch. “And we have some oil and gas properties on it. We had forty acres there that was crappy sandy soil and nothing would grow, so we thought maybe we’d grow grapes on there—and darned if it didn’t take off.”
    Because the first grapes weren’t planted on the ranch until 2002, and would take years to be ready for cultivation, Whiteman got a start on building his business by buying bulk wine from California and bottling it on the ranch.
    Why call the stuff Festivus?
    “I was always a
Seinfeld
fan and thought it would have some marginal interest,” Whiteman says. “But it has had a
lot
of interest.”
    First distributed in 2004, Festivus, in red, rose, and chardonnay varieties, now sells hundreds of cases annually.
    Then there are the cheapskates who want their Festivus vino gratis.
    “We get many ‘opportunities’ each year to provide wine for Festivus-related events as a ‘sponsor,’ “Whiteman gripes. “Usually they really are just looking for free wine.” Which begs the question both freeloaders and potential paying customers may want answered: How does the stuff taste?

    Okema, Oklahoma’s finest vintage
    A Review of Festivus Red
    by Jim Clarke, wine critic for the respected Web site for culinary insiders, StarChefs.com
    T he Grape Ranch Festivus Red 2002 is medium ruby in color, fading to a violet-pink rim. The nose is dominated by fruity aromas and a stab of alcohol; there are clear notes of blackberry, bing cherry, and plum, while more subtle, spicy aromas of cedar and clove round out the wine. The fruit-forward character continues on the palate, while the spices