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gotten better. But, it always starts with the hands. The trembling starts slowly, with the left hand first. Usually it’s just a faint twitch; sometimes I’m not even sure if it’s anything at all... at first. But once the shaking starts, there’s no longer any doubt what it is.
     
    After that it spreads to my right hand, and next my chest starts to tighten. Try as I might to stop it, once I reach that point, my breathing begins to have an uncontrollable, erratic mind of its own, which is followed by a kind of hollow roaring, lasting for several moments. The attacks usually culminate in a mind-bending, deafening silence. It is the kind of unnatural lack of sound that comes from being underwater, knowing that you’re drowning but there’s nothing you can do about it. I’ve never come anywhere close to drowning, but I can tell you exactly what it feels like.
     
    Although I can’t stop it once it starts, over the years, I’ve gotten better at pulling myself out of it—most of the time. It slowly dawns on me that this little episode has been brought on by shock, surprise, so it’s not the real thing, just like a small aftershock, really. It takes me a moment to clear my head. I think about all of the progress I’ve made over the years, which usually helps (I like to keep moving forward, no sense going back). I leaned against the wall for a few moments and gripped my hands together to stop the shaking. I steadied my breath. One thing I am proud of is that, despite these embarrassing little episodes, I have never, ever fainted. Fainting is for simple-minded idiots and lesser televangelists.
     
    Gradually the pounding subsided and my hearing returned.
     
    “ ...she’s just a very pathetic girl with hardly any friends. She never goes anywhere, doesn’t get asked out on dates. She’s the dark, scary girl that no one likes. Still, she’s got that edgy sort of hotness going on… so what if she’s a little crazy? All the better, as far as I’m concerned.” There was a chorus of sniggering in response.
     
    “ I’m going to make her feel special, that’s all it’s gonna take,” Steve continued, “She’s going to end up begging me for it... on her hands on knees...” More laughter.
     
    I think I’m going to be sick .
     
    Just then the laughter and chatter started getting closer. They’re headed this way. Shit . I quickly wiped my eyes and took a few steps back toward the break room; anyone would think I was just coming from there.
     
    “ Well, looky here, it’s my girl, Evangeline,” said Steve, flashing me a large, phony smile and oozing the kind of phony charm that always turns my stomach. Before I was given a chance to say anything, he continued, “I wanted to tell you how sad I am that you’re ditching my little party.” He twisted his face into mock sadness, bending his shoulders forward. “With my big promotion, I just bought a huge place right on the beach. It’s so big , and... I’m dying to show it to you.” Several of the guys tried unsuccessfully to hide their laughter.
     
    I was too shaken, and I felt defenseless. I’m not even a real person to them—just some kind of freakish sport—so I don’t know why anything they said mattered to me. Still, no witty comebacks came. “I’m... busy...” was all I managed to get out. So stupid . I could feel the tears threatening to spill out. It was only by force of sheer will that I kept them from doing just that.
     
    Steve put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me to the side. “Let me tell you something: I know you’re not busy,” he whispered in my ear, “and if you really want to show everyone you’re not just the weird little office loser, you’ll be at my place tonight. You’ve snubbed me for five years now, but you got nowhere left to run. I know you don’t want to hide any more from whatever it is you’ve been hiding from. ” I instinctively stiffened and tried to pull away; he pulled me closer. “Come on, it’s