Read A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Heaven for Free Online

using the “good word” to control the minds—and the votes—of the flock.
    But here is the anomaly: in a lot of ways the church—especially the Catholic Church—encourages our scientific discoveries, and always has. It invites breakthroughs of profundity because it is convinced they are evidence of the existence of God. It waits for breakthroughs from the various particle colliders around the world because that, to them, is another example of “intelligent design.” Aside from trying to give His Bigness credit for these things, I have to have respect for that. But that respect stops dead when you take into consideration the evidence of molestation attached to that religion. In my opinion, suppression of the sexual drive inspires dark repercussions, manifesting in the worst possible way: destruction of our children’s innocence. If the Catholic Church actually did something about it, I might cut it some slack. But the various papists in charge have decided to engage in a predatory witness relocation program, shuffling offenders around to different cities—in some instances different states and countries—and pretending that will quell the darkness in these monsters. All this does is maintain the evil status quo. These people should be fucking castrated and chucked into shark-infested waters.
    Let’s get back on topic. Religion, when it is organized and focused, crumbles foundations and judges the good and bad alike; there are no exceptions when the righteous get their blood up. Hell, America was founded on the very principle that church and state should always be separate . . . well, technically anyway. The original settlers of the colonies that would eventually become America purportedly came to the New World to escape persecution for their religious beliefs. I say fair enough on that—no one should be demonized or tortured for what they believe or how they live their life. But many of these spiritual refugees also came to this land to baptize the heathens who already lived here. To the tribes who already had houses in North America, there was no such thing as the “New World”—there was just home. Unfortunately, the new tenants were told in the Bible that there would be no second coming of Christ until the entire world was evangelized. So the settlers came here, ready to “save” the indigenous populace. They soon found themselves freezing and starving, so they eventually started slaughtering the very people they were trying to baptize so they could raid their food storages. So in a way the doorway to the resurrection of Jesus is America’s front porch, and it is stained with the blood of innocent peoples just living their own way of life, with no real need for European zealots to save them.
    My slaveholding forefathers knew that we would accomplish nothing if the slavish rhetoric of the Church bound our hands. Now look at us: America is one of the most pious, one of the most self-righteous and judgmental countries on the planet—shit, in the Milky Way galaxy. America is also ranked twenty-fifth globally when it comes to education, and we have not produced a true genius-level visionary in forty years. Okay, fine, Steve Jobs and Bill Gates, but all they did was saddle us with bigger and better distractions, thus cementing our spot at twenty-five. The American sects are insane, crying wolf whenever their ignorant blood starts boiling and protesting when we try to do something crazy . . . like educate people on gun control or design stronger, more hardy foods that can be grown in the more inhospitable parts of the world. They hate gay people and discourage their rights to get married, even though gay couples are statistically more stable than hetero couples, especially when those numbers are padded by professional welfare cases and teen pregnancy, which might not happen as often if the Religious Right did not fight sex education at every turn. They are so misinformed and opinionated that listening to them