Read You're a Horrible Person, But I Like You: The Believer Book of Advice for Free Online Page A

curious: What are the bad reasons to buy a houseboat? A deep, penetrating sleep cycle? Iconoclastic neighbors? Too much pussy? Unless you hate Halloween, I can’t think of one single reason not to buy a sleek, modern houseboat. By the way, I’m cc’ing my houseboat salesman on this.
Rob
    …
    Dear Rob:
    Will learning to juggle increase my chances with the ladies?
Ralph
Toledo, OH
    Dear Ralph:
    That you even have to ask is evidence that you are hopeless with “the ladies.” I doubt it’s your lack of carnival skills hurting you the most, my uncoordinated friend. Only we jugglers know the real secret to soaking a woman’s panties: three balls and the truth.
Rob
    …
    Dear Rob:
    The other day somebody asked me what my spirit animal is, and I honestly had no idea what to tell him. Where would I find this information? And do I get a say in the matter?
Brendan S. G .
Albuquerque, NM
    Dear Brendan:
    I will answer your question in the form of a story, not unlike the way Jesus would.
    When I was a young man, I was an avid hiker. I would spend hours walking trails, communing with nature. It was there that I developed a profound communion with the residents of the forest. It was there that I felt I could communicate with them on some basic level. It was also there that I ate a poisonous mushroom and tripped my nuts off for days until the forest ranger found me living in a burned-out car surrounded by waterlogged Playboy magazines.
    Long parable short, my spirit animal is Miss February 1986’s vagina.
Rob
    …
    Dear Rob:
    I am fairly reluctant to “dive in” when it comes to kitchen appliances, but maybe it’s because nothing interesting enough has been produced yet. If you could crossbreed two kitchen appliances into one MEGA appliance, what would they be and what would you call it?
    Just curious .
Mel in Chicago, IL
    Dear Mel:
    As a rich and famous person, all of my appliances are MEGA. It’s a secret little perk, like being able to murder one person a year. My fridge doubles as an oven, so you can imagine the convenience there. My helper robot has most kitchen utensils readily available to me, and my coffeemaker doubles as a toilet. Oh, and I have slaves.
Rob
    …
    Dear Rob:
    My roommate is a slob and he never pays his share of the rent or bills. But he’s got an old record player and an amazing collection of vinyl, including a mint-condition copy of London Calling. My question is, if I murder him will the records be taken away as evidence?
Emma Lynsky
Fort Wayne, IN
    Dear Emma:
    I’m not sure I understand your logic. Do you usually make a habit of watching only half of CSI? I think the records would be admissible only if you killed him with them, which would be a fuller, warmer, crackly kind of murder. But also kind of elitist.
Rob
    …
    Dear Rob:
    There’s this shop around here that sells foofy stuff. Bells and whistles. Seashells, feathers, fancy cups. Absinthe. Gem-studded coasters. Dessert napkins. Lots of French imports. Should I feel guilty about buying things from there? Is it obvious that I only like this stuff because I’m being ironic? If not, how do I make my guests aware that I’m not the kind of guy who shops at foofy stores?
J. M. Barrie
San Francisco, CA
    Dear J. M.:
    The answer to your real question is yes, I do not like you.
Rob
    …
    Dear Rob:
    They say bank heists are up this year. Do you recommend a life of crime or what?
My best ,
Parched in Houston
    Dear Parched:
    Bank crimes are up this year, but the word “heist” is down. Keep beatin’ your gums like a palooka and you’ll be all fours and fives! Keep on the sinker and you’ll be on the trolley like a hayburner!
    I had to look all that stuff up but I got bored. “Sinker” means “doughnut.” Yes, crime pays.
Rob
    …
    Dear Rob:
    What’s the second-best way to ask your boss for a raise?
Lucy
Tallahassee, FL
    Dear Lucy:
    Assuming that the best way to ask your boss for a raise is to build a time machine, go back in time, fix all of