Read Your Coffin or Mine? for Free Online Page A

Evie.” Evie was my loyal assistant. She could handle five phone lines, an extra large latte, a temperamental computer, and a tube of MAC’s Morning Sunrise all at the same time, and without breaking a sweat. If Evie hadn’t been human, I would have sworn we were Siamese twins separated at birth. The girl definitely had it going on in a major way.
    “She’s my third cousin. I keep hoping she’ll go out with me since we’re so far removed, but she says the idea creeps her out.”
    I had a hunch it was Word himself who creeped her out, but I kept this thought to myself.
    “A rip, isn’t it?” he went on. “What with her being so fine and me being such a genius, we could make one hot match.”
    “Or an interesting episode of Dr. Phil.”
    He turned back to the drive. “You’re funny. You’re pretty hot, too.”
    I already knew that, but what I really wanted to know was how he knew it since he hadn’t so much as glanced my way.
    Look at me. I sent out the silent thought, but he didn’t glance up. Hell-o? Look. At. Me.
    His head wobbled. Atta boy. He slid a look my way. Come on, you can do it. Our eyes connected. Bingo!
    Word Dalton. Nineteen and three quarters. He liked listening to music—particularly the undeniably nonPC “Die Slut” and “Kill the Whore.” He liked chugging beer and playing his PSP and chugging beer and working on computers and chugging beer. He wasn’t technically a virgin, but he was close. For reasons completely unknown to him, of course, on account of he thought he was a pretty hot guy and he aimed to please, which was why he’d gotten his penis pierced—
    Ugh. I soooo didn’t need that visual.
    “You want to go out sometime?” He shifted his attention back to his work, grabbed a cord, and plugged the flash drive into the main computer as he waited for my answer.
    “Let me guess. Chug some beer and maybe catch a Die Slut show?”
    He stared at me with the same awe men used when I vamped them. “You like Die Slut?”
    Not in this eternity. I smiled. “Doesn’t everybody?”
    “Rad.” He grinned. “So you wanna go?”
    Uh, no. I was a vampire. He was food. I should rip his throat out or something equally vicious.
    I contemplated the murderous thought for a nanosecond before a shudder ripped through me.
    Oh, all right. I’ll admit it. I’m only batting two out of three when it comes to Super Vamp must-haves. I stared at his hopeful expression, his desperate eyes. Just like the cat.
    Not that I was taking him home, mind you. One stray was one too many. But I couldn’t squash his hopes and dreams just like that.
    I smiled. “Obviously, I would love to, if I didn’t already have a boyfriend.” Well, I did. Ash had referred to me as the closest thing to Tag’s girlfriend, which would make him the closest thing to my boyfriend. Sort of. “But if a date is what you’re interested in, you’re certainly in the right place.”
    “I don’t pay for dates.”
    I didn’t have to be a mind-reading ultra vamp to know that was a load of bull. “So what are you doing?”
    “Installing a flash drive. After that, I’ll be upgrading and then you’re good to go.”
    “Thanks.”
    “Don’t thank me until you’ve seen the bill. I take all major credit cards and cash. Or we can talk alternative payment solutions.”
    I smiled. “Perfect. I’m definitely up for a little trade.”
    His head whipped around so fast that I felt certain he’d given himself whiplash. “Really?” His eyes bugged out and his Adam’s apple bobbed.
    “Absolutely.” I smiled. “I’ll give you a free profile complete with two potential matches.”
    The eyes retreated back into his head. “I’d rather have sex with you.”
    “You and the rest of the heterosexual male population.” I leveled a stare at him. “You’re sweet, in a pierced, tattooed sort of way. And I’m sure you’re brilliant. But it’s not happening.” I smiled again. “Not with me, that is. But I’ll make sure your two