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affect your children include providing for their basic needs, planning for the future, and leading a healthy lifestyle that combines exercise and good eating habits. A final result of the study worth mentioning is that parents who actively seek to educate themselves about child-rearing “best practices” tend to produce better outcomes. Such parents have better relationships with their children, and their children are healthier, happier, and more successful.
MESSAGE CONDUITS
     
    What you say. Your messages come from what you say to your children directly. For example, “What you did was not kind!” or “You were so generous in sharing your toys with Sofia.” Before you tell your children something that you believe has an important message in it, be sure to consider what the real message you want to communicate is and if your words will best convey that message. For instance, a key message that I believe all children should get early and often is the need to be helpful around the house (see chapter 11 for more). In response to their children being helpful, most parentssay something like, “You are such a good boy (or girl).” What message does this impart? That when your children do good, they are good and when they don’t, they are bad? This is not a great message because it focuses on who the child is, not on what he or she did to deserve that positive message. The purpose of messages is to encourage attitudes and behaviors you want them to absorb and repeat in the future. If you want your children to learn to be helpful, a better message might be, “You were so helpful. Mommy really appreciates what you have done.” Could your messages be any simpler or more direct? Be aware, though, that verbal messages have their limits with younger children because their language skills are still quite rudimentary. If they don’t have a great command of language yet, they won’t understand what you are saying and won’t get the message. In this case, other message conduits, such as those described below, will be more effective.
    What you feel. You send messages to your children through your emotional content, such as tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language. In fact, your emotional messages may be the most powerful because children, as not yet fully developed verbal beings, are highly attuned to their parents’ emotions. Make no mistake about it, your children will pick up your emotional messages more quickly and effectively than any other message. If you are angry, they will get that message. If you are sad, they will know it. If you are happy, they will feel it. No matter what you say! Even if you say or do something to cover up your emotions, it’s likely your feelings will come through. And, if your children get different messages through your words, emotions, and actions, your emotional messages will take precedence in your children’s psyches.
    That’s why it’s so important to make sure that your verbal, behavioral, and emotional messages are aligned. Especially with young children with limited language capabilities, you can say something, and even if they don’t understand the words, if the message is infused with the appropriate emotional content, then they will nonetheless get the deeper message. And if you can usemultiple conduits, that is, combine words, actions, and emotions, you send a truly resonant message that your children won’t be likely to miss.
    What you do. The cliché “actions speak louder than words” is as true with children, if not truer, as with anyone else. Young children are incredibly alert to what you do. They are watching and listening even when you don’t think they are. I’m sure you’ve been in a situation where your children mimicked your facial expressions, body language, words, and behavior before you even realized how you were expressing yourself in those ways. Put simply, your children want to do what you do. That influence bestows on you extraordinary power