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JUMPING ON A TRAMPOLINE
    Trampolines were initial y conceived as a training apparatus for gymnasts. They weren’t sold commercial y until the 1940s, when developers George Nissen and Larry Griswold went completely insane and decided to wipe children off the face of the earth. Today about half a mil ion trampolines are sold every year in the United States. Now consider that there are over two hundred thousand trampoline-related injuries annual y—almost half of which result in serious emergency room visits.
    Trampolines harm so many people that some personal-injury law firms have a specific telephone extension just for trampoline accidents. A twenty-year-old woman landed so awkwardly, she severed an artery and broke both bones in her leg and had to have it amputated. She trampolined her goddamn leg off! In Tasmania, a boy was jumping on a trampoline in his backyard when it turned into a remake of Final Destination and tossed him into a clothesline, hanging him.
    There are countless safety guidelines in place to try to curb the staggering bloodlust of the trampoline. For example, it is recommended that you always jump alone and instal safety nets along the edge. A boy in Colorado followed those pointers and was strangled to death by the safety netting around his trampoline. Apparently, the more you try to temper the insatiable murder frenzy of the trampoline, the more furious it becomes. In retrospect, perhaps sacrificing a few backflip-ping fatties a year is a small price to pay to appease its terrible appetite.
    1. PLAYING ON INFLATABLE STRUCTURES
    Invented by former NASA employee John Scurlock in 1959, inflatable structures (bouncy castles for readers who clap their hands when they read phrases like bouncy castles ) are typical y made out of thick vinyl and powered by motorized fans. According to the CPSC (which we’re fairly certain is one lawsuit away from instal ing childproof locks on hugs), there have been about six thousand inflatable structure-related emergency room visits in the United States every year since 2005. You might expect injuries related to fall ing out and landing on the pavement, but the most deadly form of bouncy-castle mayhem occurs when, due to improper tethering or strong winds, the structures flip and launch people thro ugh the air like baloon-sculpture trebuchets.
    An eight-year-old girl was thrown fifty meters through the air when her bouncy castle was caught by a powerful gust. In Hawaii, a girl was trapped inside a castle that got tossed into the air and flew fifty yards offshore into the ocean! An inflatable maze in England took flight across a field, with thirty people still stuck inside, sending two women fall ing out to their deaths before final y crashing back into the ground.
    Perhaps the most horrible aspect of these accidents isn’t the number of lives lost but the tragically inappropriate mind-set of the victims right before impact. These inflatable structures are often completely enclosed, and the reason people enjoy them is the feeling of weightlessness. The poor victims often have no warning that their play structure has escaped from its tethers and is now hurtling with murderous intent toward the nearest wood chipper—they probably just think they’re bouncing really well . Their last words are most likely, “Wheeeeee!”

FIVE MOVIES BASED ON TRUE STORIES (THAT ARE COMPLETE BULLSHIT)
    SOMETIMES a movie comes along and takes on special meaning because it’s based on a true story, and so we watch with rapt attention knowing that real people lived through all the awesomeness on screen. But if you’re going to go with the “based on a true story” tag, all we ask is that you make the stories sort of, you know, true. You can do that—right, Hol ywood?
    Not if these movies are any indication.
    5. A BEAUTIFUL MIND
    The Hollywood version
    John Forbes Nash was really smart. When he wasn’t working on the concept of governing dynamics, he was having hal ucinations of Paul