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to reach it as normal. I wasn’t sure if it was because of my exhaustion or because I was afraid how I’d react to the spot where the relationship between Spencer and I had changed.
    As I neared the riverbank, I didn’t cry. Instead, the memory of our first kiss made me smile.
    The call of arctic terns overhead caused me to look up. I watched as their dark red beaks disappeared to the south.
    I was so immersed in the sensory details around me that I jumped when I heard someone’s footsteps crunch on the gravel path. I expected one of my parents or Lindsay— not Jesse Kerr. The likelihood of him standing there, staring, was so unthinkable that I wondered if I’d begun to hallucinate.
    “What are you doing here?”
    “Just wanted to make sure you were okay.”
    “I’m not going to jump in the river—if that’s what you’re worried about.”
    “I’m glad to hear that. I was concerned.”
    I jerked my gaze to him. Jesse’s expression really did look like concern. My world tilted a bit more on its axis.
    He shifted his weight from one foot to the other and glanced down for a moment before meeting my eyes again. “I’m really sorry about Spencer. I know how you must be feeling.”
    His words sent a surge of blazing anger through me. “You could never know how I feel,” I spit at him. How could someone like him, whose life didn’t seem to have any bumps beyond a fight with his girlfriend, possibly understand?
    Jesse looked startled. He pressed his lips together as if to prevent himself from speaking. His eyes were troubled. For a moment, I felt bad that I’d snapped. It wasn’t his fault. I must seem like Jekyll and Hyde to him.
    But hearing him speak Spencer’s name nearly made me cry, even though I knew I should be totally empty by now. I redirected my gaze toward the river, unwilling to show my vulnerability in front of Jesse. We stood like that for a few moments.
    “Shouldn’t you be at school?” I asked, wishing he’d go away.
    “School can wait.”
    I looked away. It made no sense that Jesse was skipping school while Lindsay was there, walking those halls that were empty of Spencer. I stared out across the river to the tundra beyond, but Jesse didn’t make any move to leave.
    When I glanced at him, he’d turned his gaze toward the opposite side of the river, too. Something passed across his features, but I couldn’t discern what.
    “It’s not hard to figure out why you’re hurting. Spencer’s death hit you hard. That much was clear when you passed out the other night. You didn’t even wake up when you were carried upstairs.”
    “Did my dad tell you that?”
    “No.”
    I let his words soak in for several seconds. Did he mean? . . . “You? You’re the one who carried me upstairs?”
    He’d been in my room? No guy had ever been in my room except Spencer. It was wrong to think of Jesse there, seeing my things—privy to more of who I was than almost anyone, Spencer and Lindsay excluded.
    Jesse met my eyes with his dark ones. “Yes. Your dad was exhausted, and my dad has a bad back.”
    I looked away, unable to face him any longer. “I . . . I’m . . .”
    “No need to be embarrassed.”
    I wasn’t embarrassed. Okay, so I was, but that wasn’t all of what I was feeling. The whole idea of Jesse lifting me in his arms and carrying me up the stairs to my room felt . . . odd, like something out of some other girl’s dreams. If I had ever dreamed such a scenario, I would have cast Spencer in the role, not Jesse. But Jesse hadn’t had to be at my house that night, especially after we’d run into each other at the cookout. But he had been, and he’d been decent enough to help when I’d needed it.
    I turned to say something—maybe an unexpected thank you—but I’d waited too long. He was already walking away.
    I couldn’t begin to explain why his departure left me feeling confused. And with an odd sense of longing.
    Spencer looked out across the gym floor at our seventh-grade