itâs nothing personal, just something sheâs been thinking about in a casual way. Iâm calm. I say, âWhy donâtwe take some time to think about it?â You know, donât rush into anything.
JESS Â Â Â Â Yeah, right.
HARRY Â Â Â Â Next day she says sheâs thought about it, and she wants a trial separation. She just wants to
try
it, she says. But we can still date, she says, like this is supposed to cushion the blow. I mean, I got married so I could stop dating, so I donât see where âwe can still dateâ is a big incentive, since the last thing you want to do is date your wife, whoâs supposed to love you, which is what Iâm saying to her when it occurs to me that maybe she doesnât, so I say to her, âDonât you love me anymore?â and you know what she says? âI donât know if Iâve ever loved you.â
A wave comes through the crowd, and Harry and Jess stand and wave their hands
.
JESS Â Â Â Â Ooh, thatâs harsh.
They sit down
.
JESS Â Â Â Â ( CONTâD )Â Â Â Â You donât bounce back from that right away.
HARRY Â Â Â Â Thanks, Jess.
JESS Â Â Â Â No, Iâm a writer, I know dialogue, and thatâs particularly harsh.
HARRY Â Â Â Â Then she tells me that someone in her office is going to South America, and she can sublet his apartment. I canât believe this. And the doorbell rings. âI can sublet his apartment.â The words are still hanging in the air, you know, like in a balloon connected to her mouth.
JESS Â Â Â Â Like in a cartoon.
HARRY Â Â Â Â Right. So Iâm going to the door, and there aremoving men there. Now I start to get suspicious. I say, âHelen, when did you call these movers?â And she doesnât say anything, so I ask the movers, âWhen did this woman book you for this gig?â and theyâre just standing there, three huge guys, one of them wearing a T-shirt that says, âDonât fuck with Mister Zero.â So I said, âHelen, when did you make this arrangement?â She says, âA week ago.â I said, âYouâve known for a week, and you didnât tell me?â And she says, âI didnât want to ruin your birthday.â
A second wave comes through and Harry and Jess stand and wave their hands
.
JESS Â Â Â Â Youâre saying Mister Zero knew you were getting a divorce a week before you did?
HARRY Â Â Â Â Mister Zero knew.
JESS Â Â Â Â I canât believe this.
HARRY Â Â Â Â I havenât told you the bad part yet.
JESS Â Â Â Â What could be worse than Mister Zero knowing?
HARRY Â Â Â Â Itâs all a lie. Sheâs in love with somebody else, some tax attorney. She moved in with him.
JESS Â Â Â Â How did you find out?
HARRY Â Â Â Â I followed her. I stood outside the building.
JESS Â Â Â Â So humiliating.
HARRY Â Â Â Â Tell me about it.
(beat)
And you know, I knew. I knew the whole time that even though we were happy, it was just an illusion and one day she would kick the shit out of me.
JESS Â Â Â Â Marriages donât break up on account of infidelityâitâs just a symptom that something else is wrong.
HARRY Â Â Â Â Really? Well, that symptom is fucking my wife.
Another wave comes through, and they stand up. They sit down
.
CUT TO :
INT. SHAKESPEARE & CO. BOOKSTOREâDAY
Sally and Marie standing in the bookstore in a section called Personal Relationships. A table full of books. Marie is looking at something like
Smart Women, Foolish Choices.
Sally is looking at something like
Safe Sex in Dangerous Times.
MARIE Â Â Â Â So I just happened to see his American Express bill.
SALLY Â Â Â Â What do you mean, you just happened to see it?
MARIE Â Â Â Â Well, he was shaving, and there it was in his