with Lara, but right now it wasn’t funny. It just validated all the insecurities I’d tried to banish along with my moustache in Year Ten. Why had I expected more?
This was what had happened on every night out when I had hooked up with someone since starting uni. The guy just left, or took my number, promising to arrange drinks, which he never did. I shouldn’t have been surprised—I was used to it. I closed my eyes and stayed there alone until the urge to cry lessened and I got up to find Lara.
She was outside snogging Angus. I stood there, waiting for her to kiss him good night. The bouncer looked me up and down and winked. “You going home alone, darling? You don’t have to, you know.”
Of course the only person who wanted to take me home was the old, overweight bouncer. He started leering down my dress, so I pulled my coat over my shoulders and turned away. My drunkenness faded into acute sobriety as I walked towards the bus stop. Lara and Angus followed, hand in manicured hand.
The morning after, I woke up to find myself splayed out across my double bed. I yawned widely and stretched my arms across the mass of pillows under me. Then I sat up straight. I was in the middle of my bed, which I was meant to be sharing with Lara. Where the hell was she?
I grabbed my silver metal glasses from my bedside table, which I wore strictly only in the privacy of my bedroom, and hobbled towards the window to pull open the thick curtains.
“OWWWWW, GET OFF ME!”
I screamed in alarm at the unfamiliar male voice coming from my floor, and I jumped over him to the window. I yanked open the curtains and blinked as light flooded the room. My eyes gradually adjusted and the fuzzy male lump on my floor turned into Lara curled up with Angus-from-last-night. His face was bright red where I had stood on it and he was rubbing his eyes angrily. Lara was lying next to him on her front, naked apart from a black bra. They had my throw draped over them, but it was only half covering Angus’s Male Zone.
I stared in silence at them as my brain took in the scene. Slowly, I asked, “Why are you both on my bedroom floor?”
Lara groaned and rolled over onto her back. She pulled the throw over her body, leaving Angus totally exposed, and I tried not to stare at the trimmed blond pubes creeping up his six-pack in a snail-trail. She yawned loudly and said, “I can’t believe how uncomfortable your floor is. You could have given us your bed.”
It all came back to me. Last night at the bus stop, Lara had begged me to let Angus come back to my place because he was in London visiting a friend so they couldn’t go back to his. I had been so depressed and drunk that I had agreed, on the condition that they couldn’t have my bed. Clearly they had accepted my offer.
I stared at them wordlessly, then looked down at myself to check that I wasn’t also half naked. I was wearing an oversized T-shirt and last night’s black knickers. Wordlessly, I climbed over them, went into the bathroom and closed the door.
My head was throbbing and I had just found my best friend lying naked on my tiny bedroom floor with a guy I had fancied. I was hungover, jealous and irrationally angry.
I needed to shower away my feelings and last night’s sweat before I went back out as a normal, happy-for-my-best-friend human being. I pulled my T-shirt over my head, slid my knickers off and climbed into the bathtub.
As my second foot touched the bottom of the tub, I slipped backwards, falling onto my back with a thud. I screamed in pain and swore as loudly as I could.
Rubbing my sore back, I sat up and inspected my hand. It had some white stuff on it and I realized it was probably the hair removal cream from yesterday that I had spent hours washing off.
Then a horrendous thought came to my mind. There were other things that looked white and gloopy. Sexual things that had nothing to do with my hair removal cream. OH MY MOTHERFUCKING GOD. Had Lara and Angus come in
This was what had happened on every night out when I had hooked up with someone since starting uni. The guy just left, or took my number, promising to arrange drinks, which he never did. I shouldn’t have been surprised—I was used to it. I closed my eyes and stayed there alone until the urge to cry lessened and I got up to find Lara.
She was outside snogging Angus. I stood there, waiting for her to kiss him good night. The bouncer looked me up and down and winked. “You going home alone, darling? You don’t have to, you know.”
Of course the only person who wanted to take me home was the old, overweight bouncer. He started leering down my dress, so I pulled my coat over my shoulders and turned away. My drunkenness faded into acute sobriety as I walked towards the bus stop. Lara and Angus followed, hand in manicured hand.
The morning after, I woke up to find myself splayed out across my double bed. I yawned widely and stretched my arms across the mass of pillows under me. Then I sat up straight. I was in the middle of my bed, which I was meant to be sharing with Lara. Where the hell was she?
I grabbed my silver metal glasses from my bedside table, which I wore strictly only in the privacy of my bedroom, and hobbled towards the window to pull open the thick curtains.
“OWWWWW, GET OFF ME!”
I screamed in alarm at the unfamiliar male voice coming from my floor, and I jumped over him to the window. I yanked open the curtains and blinked as light flooded the room. My eyes gradually adjusted and the fuzzy male lump on my floor turned into Lara curled up with Angus-from-last-night. His face was bright red where I had stood on it and he was rubbing his eyes angrily. Lara was lying next to him on her front, naked apart from a black bra. They had my throw draped over them, but it was only half covering Angus’s Male Zone.
I stared in silence at them as my brain took in the scene. Slowly, I asked, “Why are you both on my bedroom floor?”
Lara groaned and rolled over onto her back. She pulled the throw over her body, leaving Angus totally exposed, and I tried not to stare at the trimmed blond pubes creeping up his six-pack in a snail-trail. She yawned loudly and said, “I can’t believe how uncomfortable your floor is. You could have given us your bed.”
It all came back to me. Last night at the bus stop, Lara had begged me to let Angus come back to my place because he was in London visiting a friend so they couldn’t go back to his. I had been so depressed and drunk that I had agreed, on the condition that they couldn’t have my bed. Clearly they had accepted my offer.
I stared at them wordlessly, then looked down at myself to check that I wasn’t also half naked. I was wearing an oversized T-shirt and last night’s black knickers. Wordlessly, I climbed over them, went into the bathroom and closed the door.
My head was throbbing and I had just found my best friend lying naked on my tiny bedroom floor with a guy I had fancied. I was hungover, jealous and irrationally angry.
I needed to shower away my feelings and last night’s sweat before I went back out as a normal, happy-for-my-best-friend human being. I pulled my T-shirt over my head, slid my knickers off and climbed into the bathtub.
As my second foot touched the bottom of the tub, I slipped backwards, falling onto my back with a thud. I screamed in pain and swore as loudly as I could.
Rubbing my sore back, I sat up and inspected my hand. It had some white stuff on it and I realized it was probably the hair removal cream from yesterday that I had spent hours washing off.
Then a horrendous thought came to my mind. There were other things that looked white and gloopy. Sexual things that had nothing to do with my hair removal cream. OH MY MOTHERFUCKING GOD. Had Lara and Angus come in
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