Vampire Taxonomy

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Book: Read Vampire Taxonomy for Free Online
Authors: Meredith Woerner
vamp is excited, angry, or scared. 22
    The second set of fangs common to the Romantics appears to grow out of the gum line, located in the front of the mouth (see figure 3 on page 15.)
    The release of the fangs puts the vampire in a heightened level of sensual awareness, opening up an ultrasensitive pathway in the mouth that directly connects to the pleasure center of the brain.
Nails
    The Romantic Vampire can be easily identified through its hands and nails. Romantic Vamps’ fingers are longer than those of a normal human’s. Their nails will also be slightly longer, but not ghoulish or threatening. Look for delicate yet powerful hands with glimmering fingernails—even on the males. 23 If they shine like glass and cut the flesh, you’ve got someone who is Romantic but living-challenged.
Hair
    Although many physical characteristics of the Romantic Vampire are a lovely sight to behold, the tragic flaw of this class is a lack of discerning taste for hairstyles. From their earliest incarnations, Romantic Vamps have carried questionable coiffures atop their heads. It first started with a general misuse of hair product. 24 From the 1930s to the 1950s, there was a veritable clan of grease tops who shoveled hair gel down their slicked-back skulls.
    The 1980s saw a renaissance of strong widow’s peaks on most lovesick undead. Although many members continued to support the greased-back style, other immortals opted for bleach abuse. The general need for vampire conditioner hit alarming heights in the 1980s, but vampires continued to bleach and grease their heads. 25
    The 1990s brought in a period of heavily gooed and spiked ’dos, 26 shortly followed by the modern-day combination of hair goop and not showering that we see so often today. 27 This is one of those rare media representations of a classification that seems to have hit the nail on the coffin, so to speak.
    You could argue that unfortunate hair choices span across the vampire classifications, but it truly seems to make its most awful mark on the Romantics, a fact noticed, perhaps, because they’re otherwise so perfectly groomed. Even the poor vampire souls doomed to a life with the exact same cut they had when they were sired contribute to the terrible hair phenomenon.

HOME SWEET COFFIN AND OTHER HANGOUTS: HABITAT
Residence
    Romantic Vampires usually have the most “human-friendly” abodes. This is a species on the lookout for love, and even if they live in a crypt or run-down shack, the interior will be more than comfortable. Most prefer a classic style with antiquities from their past surrounding them for comfort. The popular image of a swanky bachelor pad with red walls, velvet furniture, and an overly seductive gothic style is more media hype than reality. But as far as specific locations that appeal to the amorous vampires, this type could appear in various real estate situations and even have roommates. 28
    Proper etiquette when entering a Romantic Vampire’s home is not to look for a coffin. Visitors shouldn’t inquire as to its existence or ask to actually see it; both questions are considered very forward. In fact, many vampires have evolved past the “security blanket” of a coffin. If a particular vampire is not dependent on certain ground or a pine box, he will retreat to a comfy bed. Still, the C-word is a delicate subject for all vampires, especially those trying to cavort among the living. No one can be truly sure whether the vampire in question still sleeps in the traditional wooden box or bed, so it’s best to keep one’s mouth zipped about the matter at hand.
    Should a vampire trade bedclothes for the traditional coffin, expect it to be just as comfortable as a bed in a box, but still simple. Vampires are often pulled into a dark slumber, so fitting one’s coffin with TVs, stereos, and nightlights is considered frivolous at best.
    If you are one of the few living beings who actually gets to view the private and locked-away coffin resting

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