Read Valerie French (1923) for Free Online Page A

never satisfied, it was a constant Sauve qui peut . All the time Porthos was bellowing like twenty bulls. The inn was no longer an inn, but Porthos' temple. All other custom went by the board. I could have eaten and drunk as much as I liked. As a matter of fact, I did— and put five bob in the till by way of payment. If I'd taken out ten, instead, it wouldn't have mattered....
    "Well, I was so much entertained— that's an unhappy expression, but you can guess what I mean— that I almost forgot about my summons.... Some one was yelling 'Maunsel' as I came in.
    "'Here,' said I....
    "There was a full Bench— I couldn't think why. You know. The usual crowd: retired colonel, couple of grocers, lord o' the manor, a carpet-knight or two, and an earnest, throaty gent, wearing a pained expression and a black bow-tie.
    "The Clerk had just asked me whether I was guilty of exceeding the speed limit or not, and I'd just said 'No,' when there was what sounded like a first-class row outside the Court, and the next moment Porthos appeared— in the flesh.
    "Sir Andrew Plague, K.C.! I knew him at once. Brought down specially to do some motor-car case ... a point of law, of course. If those seven magistrates had known him by anything but name— well, the Bench wouldn't have been full.
    "Of course, everything stopped dead. And old Plague just flounced his way to the table like a great sea-lion. Some wretched fellow's hat was on the chair he chose— a bowler hat. When Plague got up cursing, it looked more like a game. Plague just snorted and pitched it over his shoulder... As for the Bench— well, Porthos had just changed temples. That was all.
    "They got back to me at last.
    "As if I was going to 'plead' to sixty-five! I told you I knew the police had bungled the thing.
    "Well, I got up at once and asked that the witnesses might be out of Court. The Bench stared. My presumption amazed them: clearly they thought it bad form. They began to consider whether it would be decent to accede to my odious request.
    "'Put 'em out,' says Plague. 'You heard what he said. Put 'em out.'
    "Those magistrates just collapsed. They sat like seven stuck pigs, while a solitary constable elbowed his way to the door.
    "By way of attempting to save the situation—
    "'You ought to have been out of Court,' blustered the chairman.
    "'No, he oughtn't,' snaps Plague. 'Read your Manual.'
    "Well, the case against me went bust.
    "The first policeman described my car; the second, some other fellow's. They gave different times. They lost their places in their notes. The Bench did their best to help them, but, when they saw it was hopeless, they lost their temper and tore the idiots up. I wasn't called upon.
    "I could have gone, but I didn't. I had a stall for a show you can't pay to see.... It was worth waiting for.
    "Some chap had left his car standing in the street, and had been summoned for obstruction. The A.A. had taken it up and briefed old Plague to go down and fight the case.
    "My word, that man's a marvel. He never looked at a paper or made a note. When he was sitting down, his eyes were closed. But— when he got up... It's difficult to explain, but there were certain answers he wanted— meant to have. It was perfectly obvious. You could see them coming. The witnesses could, too. They didn't want to give them, but they just had to. With it all, he was as quiet as a lamb— except once. The solicitor for the police interrupted.
    "'Silence!' says Plague, in a voice of thunder.
    "The Bench just quivered, and the wretched solicitor crumpled like a wisp of foil on a red-hot plate....
    "Presently he— Plague— got up to speak.
    "I'd always heard that he hated a country Bench, but ... talk about Contempt of Court.... I could hardly believe my ears. As for those magistrates', they must be burning now.
    "'There's a Court up in London,' he said, 'called the Divisional Court. It's a pillory, where they set Country Justice by the ears. 'S often as not, I'm the hangman. I