Read Trinkets for Free Online Page A

She has three kids, and her husbandworks all the time and probably cheats on her at night. I would steal stuff if I were her too. Today she talked about how she’s obsessed with stealing pantyhose. She said she has more L’eggs pantyhose than she’ll ever need, but she can’t stop—having all of those options makes her feel better. I wrote “L’eggs” on my hand in Sharpie. And then “Panties.” That’s how bored I was. Although now I am kind of pumped to hear about the shit Tabitha Foster steals, and I hope she unloads all her personal details the way Gina does, so I can collect them and make fun of her later.

Dynamics
    Moe’s real name is Maureen Truax.
    I know because Rachelle had me photograph
    her and her friends last week,
    so “all the social dynamics of LO can be represented.”
    I finally found them under the bleachers getting high
    and they told me to “leave us the fuck alone,”
    so I did.
    I can’t believe
    I’m in the same room
    with her and Tabitha Foster—
    two more opposite people the world has never known.
    If this isn’t all the social dynamics being represented,
    I don’t know what is.

SHALL WE, PEOPLE?
    “The reasons we shoplift are varied, but they’re tied together by the euphoria of getting something for free, the same euphoria any addict feels when getting a hit of a drug,” Shawn says, waving away a fly that is hungrily circling her frizzy ponytail. “For some of us, shoplifting is motivated by loss. Losing a person, or a job, or income. There’s a hole inside, and stealing fills it. For others, stealing is an act of rebellion against a world we can’t control.”
    As she drones on, I look down at the heart with the initials
BW
carved into the wood on the desk, next to
KL
and
MK
. Obviously a lot of people have sat in this desk before I did. Guess I’m just another statistic with another set of clichéd motives. “Some of us steal because it’s a justified payback for how much we give to others and how little they give back to us,” Shawn continues. “And for some ofus, stealing is a relief mechanism for anxiety, frustration, or depression.”
    A Desperate Housewife raises her hand.
    “Yes, Gina?”
    “How do you know if you’re depressed?”
    “Uh, if you live in Hillsboro and have nothing to do but go to PTA meetings?” Moe offers.
    Shawn glares at her, then turns to the Desperate Housewife.
    “Depression is quite common, and there are a number of ways to identify it and treat it. We can discuss the symptoms privately, or I can refer you to a psychiatrist, if you’d like.”
    Gina nods, looking even more depressed.
    “Now, back to the topic at hand. Who here knows what percentage of Americans shoplift?” No one raises a hand. “Ten percent. And it’s rising every year. So I want to commend all of you in this room for being here and bravely addressing your addiction. Let’s stop the increase, shall we, people?”
    Yep, I’m officially trapped in a Lifetime Television Movie for Women.

Montagues and Capulets
    Ms. Hoberman is obsessed
    with the Montagues and the Capulets.
    To prepare for our field trip to see
Romeo and Juliet,
    she added the crests of Juliet’s family
    and Romeo’s family to the never-ending flood
    of Shakespeare-themed trinkets on her desk.
    Kids make fun of her obsession with Shakespeare
    the way my mom’s students
    probably made fun of her obsession with movies
    back when she taught Cinema Studies in college.
    She made me watch old black-and-white movies
    with people saying sparkling things and dancing
    and doing what she called a “meet cute.”
    It’s where the characters
    first meet in some cute, unexpected way:
    a hitchhike or a car crash,
    a blind date or a job interview.
    Although in my case,
    I guess, when you spill a drink on Tabitha Foster
    and she yells at you afterward,
    it’s really more of a “meet ugly.”

THE MEMOIR I DON’T WRITE
    I’m doodling on my notebook in third-period Creative Writing in an attempt to