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news is spasticity
    can actually be helpful with bowel
    and bladder behaviors, and many
    SCI patients utilize it to help them
    stand and even walk. One day
    at a time. If it becomes a real
    problem, there are drug therapies,
    so be sure and let a team member
    know if the pain is too much.
    Team member: one of the nurses,
    doctors, physical therapists,
    psychologists, and social workers
    assigned to my case, just a number
    among many on their busy lists.
    Federico waits to see if I’ll spasm
    again, but when that doesn’t happen
    right away, he spreads the sheet
    back up over me. “So, if spasticity
    is nothing but my foot remembering
    how it used to move, and I’m still
    paralyzed, why could I feel it? And
    how could it possibly be painful?”
    He shrugs. With incomplete
    injuries, it’s always possible some
    feeling will return. Besides,
    the brain is an incredibly
    complex machine. Sometimes
    its will trumps common wisdom.

Go Right Ahead
    Burst my fucking balloon.
    The truth is a sharp pin,
    and I tumble back down
    to earth. “Hey. My brain
    tells me I’m hurting. Can
    you give me something
    for that? You must’ve
    worked me too hard. Or
    maybe it’s just spastic me.”
    He looks unconvinced,
    but then he decides, Tell
    you what, Cody. I’ll send
    in a nurse, but only if you
    give me your word that
    tomorrow you’ll cooperate
    and help me get you sitting
    up. We’ve got a long way to go,
    and it starts with you upright.
    I’d say anything for the key to
    oblivion, and besides, as my Kansas
    kin might say, my word ain’t worth
    a pile of manure, so it’s a no-brainer.
    â€œI solemnly swear if you eradicate
    my pain I’ll try to sit up tomorrow.”

Nurse Carolyn
    Who remains my favorite filly
    in a stable of Thoroughbred
    caregivers, tries to rip me off
    at first, offering acetaminophen,
    but I’m not going for that.
    Federico isn’t overseeing,
    so I’ll use my latest, greatest
    excuse. “Please, Carolyn.
    Did Federico tell you? Spasticity
    has reared its nasty head, and
    I’m in a lot of pain right now.
    I need something stronger
    than Tylenol!” I wait for her
    stern face to soften, and it does
    almost immediately. Score.
    Oh, all right, as long as
    the on-duty physician concurs.
    I’ll check and be right back.
    She isn’t gone long, and
    when she returns it’s with
    a healthy (or not) dose of codeine.
    Dr. Cabral gave the okay
    this time around, but there are
    better pain management methods.
    I understand spasticity can
    cause quite a bit of discomfort,
    but so can opiate dependency.
    As your rehab progresses,
    I’m sure your doctor will
    recommend alternatives.
    Pill swallowed, agreement
    is easy. “I understand. Thanks
    for caring, Carolyn.” I reward
    her with my very best smile—
    the one that swears all will be
    well, though that, of course, is a lie.
    Okay, then, I’d better get back
    to work. You aren’t the only
    needy patient around here.
    As she leaves, the codeine kicks
    in and I find myself inexplicably
    drawn to the pendulum of her narrow
    hips, thoroughly disguised by baggy
    powder-blue scrubs. “You’re an idiot.”
    I scold myself for the transference,
    which is also impotent transference.
    Obviously, the will of my brain
    is trumping its common sense.

Rocking
    In the cradle of the poppy,
    all the bad feelings slip away.
    Why am I lying here again?
    Where am I, anyway? White.
    Everything’s white, and quiet,
    like a winter-quilted mountain
    meadow, except it’s warm. I like
    it warm, and now I know this
    can’t be snow, because the air
    doesn’t sting my nose. Inhale.
    No sting, but there is perfume.
    Apples. That’s it. Baked apples,
    rich with cinnamon and brown
    sugar, and I realize I’m dreaming.
    Weird, when you’re aware
    you’re not treading time in the real
    world, but rather wandering
    another dimension. A drift of