Read Toxic Parents for Free Online Page A

cover up enough—and get them to see the error of their ways, they would love her. But they didn’t. The kind ofneedy, self-centered men whom she picked were incapable of love. So, instead of finding the love she so desperately sought, she found emptiness. She felt used.
    I discovered that the term co-dependent was not new to Melanie. She had first come across it when she attended a meeting of Al-Anon (a Twelve-Step program for family members of alcoholics) during her marriage to her alcoholic husband. She was certain that she wasn’t a co-dependent but just had bad luck with men. She certainly had done everything she could to get Jim to stop drinking. She had finally left him when she learned he had spent a night with a woman he’d met in a bar.
    Melanie once again had begun looking for Mr. Right. She blamed her problems on the men she’d been with, but she saw each one as a separate Mr. Wrong. She didn’t see that the overall pattern stemmed from the way she chose her men. She thought she was looking for a man who could appreciate a giving, caring, loving, helpful woman. Surely there was a man out there who would love a woman like that. She thought co-dependency was noble.
    Melanie had no idea that what she called “giving and helping” was wiping her out. She was giving to everyone except herself. She had no idea that she had actually perpetuated the irresponsible behavior of the men in her life by sweeping up behind them. When she talked about her childhood, it became clear that her pattern of trying to save troubled men was a compulsive repetition of her relationship with her father:
I had a really weird family. My father was a successful architect, but he used his damn moods to control everybody. He’d come unglued by the slightest thing . . . like if somebody parked in his parking place or if I had a fight with my brother. He’d just go into his room, shut the door, throw himself on the bed, and cry. Just like a baby! Then my mother would fall apart and go soak in the bathtub, and I was the one who had to go in and deal with my dad. I’d just sit there, with him sobbing, trying to figure out what I could do to make him feel better. But it didn’t matter what I did, it was always just a matter of waiting it out.
    I handed Melanie a checklist I had made up and asked her to tell me which points described her feelings and behavior. It was a list of the major characteristics of co-dependency. I’ve found it very useful over the years in helping clients determine whether they are co-dependent. If you think this term may apply to you, please go through the list.
    C O -D EPENDENCY C HECKLIST
    I use “him” as a universal pronoun to refer to a troubled person of either gender. I realize that many men are in co-dependent relationships with deeply troubled wives or lovers.
     
Solving his problems or relieving his pain is the most important thing in my life—no matter what the emotional cost to me.
My good feelings depend on approval from him.
I protect him from the consequences of his behavior. I lie for him, cover up for him, and never let others say anything bad about him.
I try very hard to get him to do things my way.
I don’t pay any attention to how I feel or what I want. I only care about how he feels and what he wants.
I will do anything to avoid getting rejected by him.
I will do anything to avoid making him angry at me.
I experience much more passion in a relationship that is stormy and full of drama.
I am a perfectionist and I blame myself for everything that goes wrong.
I feel angry, unappreciated, and used a great deal of the time.
I pretend that everything is fine when it isn’t.
The struggle to get him to love me dominates my life.
    Melanie answered “yes” to every statement! She was astounded to see how truly co-dependent she was. To help her begin to break out of these patterns, I told her it was essential that she make the connection between her co-dependency and her relationship with her