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constantly assured him everything was
fine. The part of me that still wanted him to see me as I used to
be always held me back from opening up. I was too embarrassed by my
weaknesses to tell the truth. Soaking up his love in phone calls
and letters was what I lived for nowadays. I couldn’t take the
thought of losing his precious love.
    But I was afraid of him
turning away from me after he was released.
    Did he think about what
Josh did to me? Did it disgust him? Would he even want to touch me
like he used to?
    I imagined him getting out
of juvie and realizing he didn’t want damaged goods with anxiety
problems. In my worst moments, I pictured him deciding he didn’t
love me anymore.
    I studied the girls at
school, the happy ones who kissed and held hands with their
boyfriends. Was that what I’d looked like with Caleb, so carefree?
Would Caleb want the kind of carefree girl I’d been? Didn’t he
deserve that?
    Right before Christmas
break a guy on the basketball team asked me out. While he was
waiting for a response, I’d just stared back at him in panicked
silence. The appropriate response had been drumming in my head. All
I’d had to do was tell him I had a boyfriend, but I couldn’t get
the words out of my mouth.
    Eventually, he’d given me
an odd look deserving of the freak I was and walked away shaking
his head. I’d missed the period after lunch that day and hid in the
bathroom again. Every time I ditched a class, I had to tell the
school psychologist so it could be excused.
    The confessions were their
own special humiliation and they always notified my dad.
    When Caleb had casually
mentioned one day over the phone that he wished we could talk
during his phone time during the weekdays, I’d almost laughed. How
could I tell him I missed class all the time? That the girls’
restrooms at school were becoming my own person panic rooms? I even
had a favorite stall in each one. I might as well take a Sharpie to
the metal walls and write Gianna was
here...again .
    Weekends breaking with the
crew were actually somewhat calming. I slept over some Friday
nights at Jared and Cece’s house and we went to ballet together
Saturday morning. We usually ate at her family’s restaurant
afterward for lunch. By the time we got back to her house in the
afternoon, the rest of the crew waited in the garage for a
session.
    I knew there was no way
they knew about what happened. Caleb had promised not to tell Dante
or Taye. Other than me, my friends didn’t know anyone else from
Broomfield. The paranoia about them finding out existed
anyways.
    At first, when the guys
had to get up close to me during a routine, I’d start to feel
panicky. Blaming it on my newly healed injuries, I’d tear myself
away from whatever guy I danced with, trying to get myself under
control. I’d fooled most of them, but Jared and Cece’s concerns had
been harder to brush off.
    Cece kept giving me
probing looks. She questioned my supposed cheerleading accident and
Caleb being locked up around the same time. I lied as I always did,
feeling guilty for the necessary deceit, but preferring it over my
best friend finding out about the attack.
    Jared was even more
intuitive than Cece. Maybe it was some sort of ingrained male
instinct, the ability to sense a damaged female. The old Jared
would have pounced on Caleb being in juvie. Instead, he treated me
with nothing but consideration, in a purely brotherly
way.
    At seven-fifteen in the
morning I went back downstairs. My dad, now dressed in a dress
shirt, tie and slacks, stood drinking another cup of coffee in the
kitchen. Having now had an adequate dose of caffeine, he appeared
much more cheerful. “Hi, princess.”
    How weird was it that
Caleb and my dad called me the same nickname? I’d never told Caleb,
because it might have freaked him out, but I’d secretly found it
hilarious.
    Plus, I liked
it.
    “ Hey, I was just heading
out.”
    My dad checked the
microwave clock. “Yeah, me too. My first