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Lourdes instead of Niagara Falls? How would I know?
    I was sick of Dr. Laughton wasting my time, but since I was the one sitting on the examining table in my underwear and he wore the stethoscope, I felt some pressure to comply. I tried to explain the obvious, that John was in
my
living room and that he, unlike Cinderella, asked
me
questions about household products. Cinderella never spoke to me directly; she expressed her longings for a better life with the prince and we, the audience, listened in. The doctor then asked me if John Cameron Swayzee ever called me by name. I informed him that no, he hadn’t, and then I caught him at his own game. I said, “Dr. Laughton, did you say to me, ‘Do you think Cinderella is talking to
you
?’ or did you say to me, ‘Do you think Cinderella is talking to
Cathy
?’” I think that little linguistic dilly let him know that although he might be a good doctor, he was in the bush leagues as far as the media was concerned.
    Dr. Laughton, realizing he was out on a limb, quickly scampered to safer ground. Changing topics, he asked me if I ever heard other things talking to me. Did he mean when the trees talked in
Snow White
? Suddenly I got it. Dr. Laughton was trying to see if I was crazy. I guess he wondered if I would stab people like Elder Mad Bear did and then never move again, or sit in front of the post office like ol’ Jim and yell out swear words to no one in particular.
    Dr. Laughton’s technique was a little more obvious than Dr. Small’s, the psychiatrist I visited after I stabbed AnthonyMcDougall. Dr. Small had little cards with a dog named Blacky who did really disgusting things. At least Dr. Small asked me my opinion about Blacky’s shenanigans. Dr. Laughton never asked my opinion on anything. I realized I had to get out of there, so I slid off the examining table, licked my Tootsie Roll Pop that I got for being cooperative, took another one for the road, and said I had to get back to work. As I hightailed it out of there, next door to my father’s store, I was relieved on several fronts: first, I was thankful my mother wasn’t with me so I wouldn’t have to explain anything to her or see her upset, bewildered face; second, I gave myself a little credit for keeping the lid on my relationship with the Indian. What no one knew about, no one could attack. But just when I thought I was out of the woods, thinking Dr. Laughton was accepting defeat like a man, he pulled out the big enchilada. He referred me to the priest. Dr. Laughton was one of the first media gurus who realized that addiction to television was a moral and not a medical problem.
    Why a doctor and a priest presumed to be authorities on RCA Victor I had no idea, but I wasn’t falling for it. When you think about it, I took the theory of germs on faith from Dr. Laughton, and God on faith from Father Flanagan. Neither of them was willing to acknowledge that I was the authority and knew a tad more than they did about John, nor were they willing to take anything about his motives on faith from me.
    Of course neither of these “experts” had an RCA Victor. No one could deny the existence of John Cameron Swayzee or the fact that he was in my living room and in no one else’s. Both these men shared the misconception that you were supposed to sit in a chair, not move one muscle, and silently
watch
RCA Victor. I couldn’timagine
anyone
who would want to do that. I really felt that same kind of agitation I felt in the presence of the nuns at school. As usual, what was purely virtuous was silence and sitting still — for me two unattainable “virtues.”
    Father Flanagan and I lit a candle and knelt together at the communion rail, saying five Hail Marys to our blessed Virgin to deliver me from John’s clutches. The good thing about Father Flanagan, and most priests, from what I could see, was that he left most of the work to God. After