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it.” Didn’t I know it? He’d been calling to bounce ideas off of me. I’d shot down some of the worst ones and told him to just go with his natural talents. He could play a ton of instruments and sing. Boom. Proposal.
    He’d also roped The Band in on it and I was supposed to help keep Katie in the dark until then. Not too hard. She was consumed with planning out how long she could continue to go to school before the baby was born, figuring out if she could still eat soft cheeses and slathering cocoa butter on her stomach to prevent stretch marks. I was pretty sure a proposal was the farthest thing from her mind.
    He was going to set everything up in an abandoned parking lot down the street from his apartment. The lot would be filled with various cars he’d worked on and everyone would be hiding in the cars. The playing would start and The Band would pop out, Katie would cry and realize what was happening and then Stryker would get down on one knee and blah, blah, blah.
    My official job was to film the whole thing with a steady hand so we could put it online. I’d volunteered because that meant I wouldn’t be in it.
    Stryker had found a ring and I rolled my eyes so hard they nearly fell out of my head when I saw it. Pink, of course. Pink tourmaline, which was mined in Maine. It was so Katie that I couldn’t even believe it hadn’t been custom made for her.
    He’d lightened up a little on Katie. She was allowed to shower without the chair and drive short distances alone. But his eyes still followed her around the room and he jumped at loud noises and reached for her. It was pretty damn sweet, actually. My brother had always been protective, but this was different. And he was happy. So fucking happy, I thought his face was going to split wide open when he smiled.
    I was excited for him, but I was something else too. Jealous. Painfully, horribly jealous. It clawed at me from the inside, dark and thick and oozing. I tried to ignore it, but I couldn’t. I wanted that. I wanted a man who cared about me in that way. Who wanted to marry me, God forbid. Who wanted to have children with me.
    I’d look at Max and see him looking that way at me. The way Stryker looked at Katie. I wanted it, but it scared the absolute shit out of me. Because what if it didn’t work out? What if it ended? Then what would I have? Fucking nothing.
    I couldn’t stop the negative thoughts from taking over and running my life. It was how I’d functioned for almost nineteen years and it was hard to break old habits.
     

     
    WHEN I GOT back from classes, my roommate was out and Max was at work. I had the place to myself so I did something that I only did when I had too many thoughts in my head that I couldn’t get out.
    I put on some music and danced.
    Now I wouldn’t say that I was going to be a contestant on So You Think You Can Dance? anytime soon, but I’d been doing it since I was little. Stryker didn’t know about it, and I usually did it away from prying eyes. Dancing made me happy and I didn’t want anyone to take that away from me. When I had nothing else (except for Stryker), I had this. Music and movement.
    I tended to gravitate toward modern and contemporary as far as movement went and I was proud of myself that I’d mastered a double turn and could still bust it out when I wanted to. Sure, I wasn’t as flexible anymore because I’d been neglecting stretching. I should get back into it. Maybe take a class or something.
    I started with “Run” by Christina Perri, moved to “Electric Love” then “99 Red Balloons”, “Stranger” by Skrillex and finally “Shake it Off” by Taylor Swift. Yes, I listened to her music. No, I would not admit that to anyone. It was the perfect song to dance like a dork to.
    By the time I took a break, I was breathing hard and a little sweaty. Man, I was getting out of shape. That wasn’t good. Just as I was getting some clothes out to change into, Max called me.
    “Hey,” I