Read Thursday's Children for Free Online Page B

I’d know if it was.’ She had perspiration on her forehead. ‘It was a man, not a boy. Wouldn’t I know?’
    ‘So you feel ashamed because you think it was some kind of punishment for what you’d done before?’
    ‘I guess.’
    ‘Listen.’ Frieda’s voice was strong and clear in the little room. ‘This is very important. Many people who are raped feel that in some way or other it was their fault. Most of them, I would say. They feel that they led their rapists on, didn’t struggle enough, didn’t say no clearly enough or, like you, they have a feeling that they were getting what they deserve. It’s not true.’
    Becky gave a small murmur.
    ‘Do you understand, Becky? It is not true. It was done
to
you but it doesn’t define you.’
    ‘I knew as soon as I woke up that something horrible was about to happen,’ said Becky. ‘I could have called out.’
    ‘Go on.’
    ‘I woke up and it was all quiet. Quiet inside the house and quiet outside as well. Dead quiet, but I could tell something was different. I thought maybe I’d had a bad dream, but I knew it wasn’t a dream. I don’t know how. I just lay there in the dark and I could hear my heart beating. My mouth tasted funny, as if I hadn’t cleaned my teeth. I remember thinking that. Now I clean my teeth ten times a day.’
    Frieda didn’t speak.
    ‘I thought of turning on the light, but I didn’t. I just lay there. Then I heard someone move. It was like a creak and then a rustle.’ She bent even lower in her chair so her dark hair hung over her face, like a curtain. ‘I couldn’t move. I couldn’t even breathe.’ She stopped, rocked forward and back, just once. ‘There was a hand.’
    ‘Where?’
    ‘On my mouth. To stop me making a noise. It was warm and smelt of soap. I remember that. I remember thinking it was quite a nice smell. Maybe an apple smell. I can’t.’
    ‘You can’t what?’
    ‘I can’t say it all.’
    ‘You don’t have to.’
    ‘I opened my eyes but I couldn’t see anything except a dark shape just above me. He pulled off the duvet. I was wearing pyjama trousers and a T-shirt and he put his other hand down my trousers and I could see his shape above me, but not his face. He was wearing something over his face.’
    ‘It’s all right, Becky.’
    ‘Why doesn’t she believe me?’
    ‘It’s complicated.’
    ‘I didn’t struggle properly. I didn’t try to stop it happening.I was so scared. I thought I was going to die. I wish I had. I wish I’d died.’
    Frieda handed Becky a tissue.
    ‘I can’t remember it all. I don’t want to. It was just dark and nasty and silent and ugly and fumbly. I wanted to shout but his hand was still over my mouth. I could hear him panting but it sounded weird and muffled through the cloth over his face. He was just, like, this thing, and I was like a thing as well. It hurt.’
    ‘I’m so sorry that this was done to you.’
    ‘He kept trying to arrange me, like I was a doll.’ Becky suddenly looked worn out by it all. ‘It’ll never go away, will it?’
    ‘It won’t stay the same. With work –’
    ‘I don’t want
to work at it. I want it never to have happened.’ Becky pulled a face that made her look like a toddler. ‘I know, I know. It did.’
    ‘It did, yes.’
    ‘Mum’s very angry, isn’t she?’
    ‘What do you mean?’
    ‘With you. She’s ashamed of me but she’s angry with you. She says you’ve let fame go to your head.’
    ‘Does she?’
    ‘She says this is my last time here.’
    ‘I’m going to recommend someone for you to see. I think your mother will agree.’
    ‘Why not you?’
    ‘Because I know your mother. I’ve got someone in mind. I think you’ll like her, and if you don’t, I’ll recommend someone else.’
    ‘But I want
you
!’
    Frieda couldn’t help smiling. ‘I’m not the right person.But you do need to keep seeing someone, Becky. This is just the beginning of a journey for you, but you won’t have to make it alone. You’re strong