Read Things I Want My Daughters to Know for Free Online Page B

without interfering. Guiding without pushing. I don’t know if I’ve always been very good at that. Sometimes I’ve pushed too much, and sometimes stood back too far. And lately I think I’ve gotten it wrong with you. I’ve watched you, these last couple of years, get more and more unhappy, sweetheart. You’re brittle and fragile and hard to reach. And we haven’t been as close as I would have liked because of it. And I’m sorry for that. And if you’re reading this, it’s too late. But know, please, my lovely, complicated little girl, that I loved you, and I always will. You might be interested in this notebook. It’s a diary, I suppose. But it’s also about the things I know that I wish I could make you know—I suppose I would like to save you from some of what I’ve been through. Maybe that’s a stupid idea. Anyway, read it, think of me, and know that I love you, darling. I’ve marked the bit I think you should read first. Let your sisters read it, too, when you’ve finished.
    All my love, forever,
    Mum
    When she had finished reading, she folded the letter neatly, slipped it back inside the untouched folder that had come with it, put both into her handbag, and picked up the copy of the Times that the previous incumbent of the seat had left behind.

    T h i n g s I W a n t M y D a u g h t e r s t o K n o w 33
    Lisa
    In the end Lisa left her own car and went home in Andy’s. She’d come back at the weekend, she said, and get it. She didn’t want to be by herself.
    She’d slept heavily, at last, when he’d arrived. In the morning, early, she’d rolled toward him and started kissing him without opening her eyes and he’d responded to her touch before he was properly awake.
    They’d made love silently, and sadly. Affirming life, she supposed.
    Now, she sat in the passenger seat, with her bare feet up on the dash-board of his car.
    “Thank you for coming.”
    “You’re welcome.”
    “I’m sorry I said I could do it without you.”
    He shrugged.
    “I couldn’t. Not really. I missed you all day.”
    “It doesn’t matter.”
    “It does. It was mean of me. I’m sorry.”
    He reached over and squeezed her knee. “Shut up, will you?”
    She smiled, and put her own hand over his, squeezing back.
    “Mum left letters for each of us, you know?”
    “Did she?”
    “Mmm.”
    Andy didn’t ask.
    “She said she loved you.”
    “That’s nice.”
    “She said I was too strong for my own good, and that I should ask you about that sometime.”
    “She was a wise old bird, your mum.”
    “So?”
    “So what?”
    “I’m asking you about it. Am I too strong for my own good?”
    Andy considered for a moment.
    “I don’t think there’s such a thing as too strong. Strong has to be good, 34 e l i z a b e t h
    n
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    right? Too independent? Probably. Definitely.” He smiled at her sideways.
    “But I wanted you to come.”
    “And I came.”
    “You came.” Lisa looked out of the window, squinting in the sunshine, and spoke almost to herself. “You came. Lucky me.”
    “What shall we do today?”
    “Don’t you have to work?”
    “I called them this morning. Told them I wasn’t coming in. Family concerns. My family. So—what shall we do?” Today seemed suddenly surreal to her. There was absolutely nothing that she needed to be doing.
    The craziness of God knows how long before this day had passed. The world looked to her now, from the car window, like a storm had passed.
    The air was so clear.
    “Let’s find a park, or a field, or a river. Somewhere no one else is.
    Let’s lie on a blanket, and look at the sky, and hold hands and not talk.
    Can we do that?”
    “We can do that.”
    Barbara’s Journal
    Mum’s Thoughts
    I’ve been reading all morning, so now I’m going to do some writing.
    I won’t call it a diary. It won’t be that regular a commitment, if I know myself at all. Besides, the entries on lots and lots of days, including the day I started this particular dark chapter in my