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feel that way). In parts of this chapter we fall into this trap ourselves, and while we avoid doing this as much as possible, the limits of language and space in this book meant that we haven't always succeeded.

    SEXUAL ANATOMY AND SEXUAL RESPONSE • 31
    Become Your Own Sex Expert
    Despite all the myths you've grown up with and the barriers imposed on you, the good news is that you have limitless ways to explore your own body No one else can figure out the best way for you to do this. We will make some suggestions and leave it to you to figure out how to make them work for you.
    In general, people lack knowledge about sex. To varying degrees we are all ignorant of our sexual options, ignorant of sexual possibilities, and even ignorant about our own bodies. If you're nondisabled and you want to educate yourself, it isn't always easy to do, but at the very least you always have access to your own body, and sometimes privacy, too. By contrast, if living with your disability prevents you from having access to your whole body, you are often, quite literally, at the mercy of others. We don't just mean being able to masturbate, or put on a condom, or position yourself for sex with a partner. We also mean being able to see what your whole body looks like. It's hard to take control of your sexuality when you may not know the raw materials you're dealing with.
    For some people it won't be feasible to see and touch all parts of their bodies. If you require twenty-four-hour assistance you may never have someone willing to hold a mirror to see what your clitoris looks like. You may not feel comfortable even asking for that help.
    My doctor said I should have a Pap smear, even though I've never had sex. He sent me to another doctor who has a hydraulic exam table. Even with that it took a lot of maneuvering to get me into position. Then she said, "My nurse can hold a mirror so you can see what I'm looking at and doing." I said, "Oh that's gross, I don't want to see that." But she told me it wasn't gross and that I should take a look. It was really cool.
    In most standard sex manuals the advice is the same: Own your body. And in these books "owning" is usually defined by seeing. There are several obvious "ableist" assumptions here. We don't all experi-

    ence reality through sight. Does this mean that we're just screwed (so to speak)? We'd say no. You have other ways to explore your body.
    Getting Support
    Now that we've made our arguments for all the reasons to become your own sex expert, there are some potential risks we want to mention. As with any form of self-discovery you run the risk of finding out stuff that is difficult to deal with along with stuff that is exciting and fun. Often memories are linked to sensations. We will smell something and a childhood episode will flood back. We are touched in a certain way and another memory arises. Without a stimulus, these memories can remain hidden for years. The exercises we mention throughout this chapter, and at the end of it, involve working with your body and getting more in touch with your body, which may trigger memories from the past, both pleasurable and traumatic.
    What supports will you need to have in place in case you need to deal with things that come up during your experience? You may have overwhelming feelings that you don't know how to cope with. Do you have someone you can talk with about these strong feelings or memories? If you don't have a friend, family member, or caregiver with whom you can hash things out, or some other way that you work through difficult things in your life, you should consider getting the number of a crisis or help line. Phone lines are not accessible to everyone, but there may be other community or Internet resources, such as TTY machines available on some public pay phones. Some people also find it helps to listen to music or write when faced with tumultuous emotions.
    You may be quite out of practice in thinking about your body as something worth