actually a surgeon – who made sure I took my medication and who came with me to every one of the hundreds of medical appointments I had to endure. Julia always insisted on sleeping in a bed next to me when I had to stay in hospital overnight. She really was that kind of person, you know? Just nice and caring. She was always there for me. I don’t know exactly why Julia took on that mother role – perhaps she really did love me as much as she always told me she did, back then. But sometimes, in my darker moments, I wonder whether I was just her guinea-pig, her first ‘case’ – a downtrodden creature in need of a strong helper. This obviously came to be her thing, later on. All of a sudden, she cared for all the other wretched of this earth, the far-away ones, and dropped me like a hot potato. But who knows what her real motives were. That kind of stuff is impossible to tell, isn’t it?
Our parents weren’t at all ‘bad’ parents – I’m sure that’s what everyone thinks. They were supportive in many ways, and massively proud of Julia, of course. The worst I can say about them really is that they weren’t at home much, because they both had pretty demanding jobs. Everyone but me in my family is some kind of high flyer. I think my mother was incredibly grateful that Julia looked out for me – it took a big weight off her shoulders. My parents always thought the world of Julia – my dad even more so than my mother; he totally idolized her. She was the bright star in our family, the angel, the super-clever one. They trusted her completely, and so did I, of course. They never questioned a single one of Julia’s choices. In their view, she simply couldn’t put a foot wrong. I think Jonathan found that a little difficult at times, like he was second-rate or something, but the truth is, we both were second-rate compared to her.
When I finished primary school Julia fought like a lion to get me into her own school, a fee-paying one. I think originally my parents didn’t believe I was worth it – they’d already paid through the nose for Jonathan’s and Julia’s private education, and probably felt that I wasn’t academically minded enough, or something like that, to justify another massive financial investment of that kind. Obviously they didn’t really put it that way – they claimed that Julia’s school was much further away than the local comprehensive, and that the daily commute would exhaust me. They said they’d prefer me not to be subjected to a too-demanding physical and intellectual regime like the one Julia’s school was famous for, since I didn’t have the strength to cope well with stress. And they argued that I’d be able to explore my ‘creative inclinations’ better in the local school, which had a fantastic drama and art society. And so on – I’m sure you can imagine it.
It’s true that I didn’t exactly shine in primary school, but that was also because of my shyness. I was so timid and frightened as a child that I rarely spoke a word without Julia by my side. On my first day at school, for example, I desperately needed to go to the loo, but was too scared to ask for permission. After a few hours, I just couldn’t hold it in any longer and simultaneously started to cry and to pee in my seat, right in front of everyone. Of course the other kids never let me forget that scene – I was ‘Amy-the-Pant-Pisser’ for four years.
Anyway. I can remember really clearly the evening when Julia convinced my parents to change their mind about my schooling. I was eleven years old – I had started school a year later than normal because of my health – and Julia had just turned sixteen. Jonathan had recently left home for university, which was kind of a relief, to be honest. Julia and I found his pedantic and self-important attitude and his constant outbursts of jealousy a bit annoying. I think ultimately he was resentful about the fact that Julia was better than him at everything, and
Marion Zimmer Bradley, Juanita Coulson