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ABITS OF A H IGHLY E FFECTIVE S HREW

    â€œIf a relationship is to evolve, it must go through a series of endings.”
    â€”LISA MORIYAMA
    T here are many ways to be controlling, and I’ve probably tried them all.
    Years ago my husband told me a story about a couple he observed while waiting his turn for a haircut that illustrated just how controlling I could be. While the barber was trying his best to cut the man’s hair, his wife was standing by giving the barber explicit instructions. “Not too short in the back,” she told him, “and make sure it doesn’t stick out on the top!”
    Several other men were waiting for haircuts as well, and when the barber finished and the couple left, everyone sighed with relief. My husband got in the chair next and told the barber, “My wife couldn’t be here today, so you’re on your own.”
    Even though I recognized myself in this story, I wasn’t able to change my seven shrewish habits. I couldn’t seem to keep from (1) talking on my husband’s behalf and making decisions for him. I told myself that it was a good thing I did, or he would be a mess. Sometimes I would resist uttering criticisms, but (2) give my husband a disapproving look. This seemed less offensive to me, but not to him. When I tried to stop giving him “the look,” I started (3) asking questions that seemed innocent enough but clearly conveyed my disapproval. (i.e., You’re going to wear
that?
) I would (4) try to explain to my husband what I would do if I were in his situation, hoping that he would do what I thought he should. I’vemade (5) countless unsolicited suggestions, (6) gasped in the car while he was driving, and (7) frowned at the lettuce he bought, all in the desperate, futile attempt to modify his actions.
    None of those tactics got me the intimacy I craved. Instead, they annoyed my husband. It seemed like John was always waiting for me to decide what we should do, and then dragging his feet once I did. I might have been getting some things done
my
way, but now John was dependent on me. I was exhausted from doing everything and lonely because I was doing it all by myself.
    If your husband doesn’t speak up when he gets a haircut or doesn’t pay attention to the route when he’s driving, it could be because he’s always expecting you to pipe up. If you jump in and tell him what to do because you think he can’t figure it out, you are encouraging him to cruise while you maneuver. If he hasn’t already, he will lose the impetus to do things for himself because he knows that his wife-crutch is always there.
    You might argue that it’s a two-way street. You could say, as I have before, that if he would stop being so obnoxious or lazy, you wouldn’t have to get after him and “help.”
    Perhaps you think someone should write a book for men explaining how they can be more responsible husbands.
    Perhaps someone should.
    But you couldn’t make your husband read it, or do what it says. So your only chance of improving your marriage is to change your behavior. I’m reminded of the Serenity Prayer:
    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change [like my husband]
    The courage to change the things I can [like myself]
    And the wisdom to know the difference [between him and me].
    R ESPONDING TO H IS C RAZY I DEAS

    He early on let her know who is the boss. He looked her right in the eye and clearly said, “You’re the boss.”
    â€”ANONYMOUS
    O ne of the most difficult things about relinquishing control is that we don’t always
know
when we’re being controlling.
    Letting your husband know how little regard you have for his ideas is the most dangerous and subtle form of control. When you squash your husband’s ideas you are telling him you don’t trust him. Without trust there can be no intimacy. Therefore, one of the keys to relinquishing control is to