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magic, maintain the high: death.
I have trouble sleeping, always have, so whilst my lover dreams in my bed I potter about the house in my dressing gown, silk sticking to my thigh, checking my collection of cacti, watching the misty dawning of light. It’s cold, even for January, and there’s frost sparkling on the tops of cars like glitter. When the dawn is fully broken and I’ve watched several neighbours de-ice their cars and drive off to work, I return to the bedroom. It’s gone nine, but I no longer have anywhere to go. The only work I have to do at the university is to mark a pile of essays on Keats, written by first years. An undemanding task, so I can afford to go back to bed.
Lee breathes heavy with hidden visions and has overslept for the planned morning swim. I don’t concern myself with this, it’s not my business. I’m a lover, not a wife. I peel off my dressing gown like a shed skin and drop it to the floor, place my feet on Lee’s ankles, my knees sliding behind the curve of legs, and allow the heat to warm me. The room smells of the morning after sex. A salty, unclean potion that tastes better fresh. Putting an arm over Lee, I match my breath, trick my body into relaxing and hope my mind will follow.
As I curl behind the sleeping body, feeling the force of life, I think: I won’t tell Cate Austin your name. I’ll keep you out of this. After all, this return is only for a brief time, and it can’t make any difference. Lee is a friend, my best friend. Dependable and loyal. But never my true love, like Smith. This brief time is just a distraction, a respite. That’s all it can be when the future is unknown.
I wait for sleep.
When we wake I find myself teasing Lee, as I’ve always done over the years. It’s been so long since our last time together, so I reach, touch, need to be certain that the return is real. “Why do you have to have your hair so short?” I demand, feeling the dark bristles, the bony scalp underneath, “You’re like a hedgehog.”
     
“It’s just a military cut, Alice. Not everyone has it so short, but I like it.”
I like it too but don’t say this. Lee moves around my kitchen, opens the fridge, and grabs a mug from the cupboard. “Make yourself at home, why don’t you.”
“You want a drink?”
“No.” I wait until finally Lee sits down, eating a thickly buttered piece of toast. “So tell me about Germany.”
“Why would you want to know about Germany?” Lee smirks at me and I think: it’s true, I’ve never shown much interest before. But this posting is further away, and for longer. Lee left just a year ago. Last January was also the time when I saw Smith’s advert. As one lover abandoned me, another arrived. Fate works like that.
“So you aren’t married, then?”
Lee swigs tea, then looks at me, a moment too long. “I think you and I both know that’s not possible.”
I feel blood in my cheeks, but carry on making light of the intensity in the moment, “Oh, I don’t know. I’d have thought you could have found a nice Fraulein to keep you entertained. And I could see you being attracted to the German spirit. You always did like to be dominated.” It’s supposed to be a joke but Lee isn’t smiling. I change the subject, “How long are you here for?”
“A few weeks. I’ve been building up a lot of leave. There was a month-long exercise recently, and they asked for volunteers. Most of the lads weren’t interested, and those with families or wives didn’t want to leave the base. But me, I’m easy. So I built up a fair bit of extra hours. I reckon I’ll stay for three weeks, at least.”
The tricky moment is gone, as Lee and I play this easy, teasing game as we always have. It’s good for us to be together. Three weeks, though short, is more than enough time. In less than that I’ll be sentenced. I can’t think beyond that. If only I could tell Lee about the court case. If only I could be certain that Lee would understand. But I don’t have