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walking away. He was smiling.
     

Chapter 3
    I was kinda relieved. I had wanted something, and now I’d had it I could relax. It was like those times at parties when I felt drunk and absolutely had to get with a girl like, right then. And afterwards I’d feel good. Except this hadn’t been with a girl at all. But I tried not to think about that part.
    I was getting along fine not thinking about much at all until Monday morning when I got into my car. I glanced at the back seat and suddenly felt heated. I drove to school with my stomach in knots.
    I was on time for morning registration, same as usual. It was as I sat at my desk, eyes searching each student filing into class that I realized I was waiting for him .
    Well, it was sure to be an anxious first meeting after... what happened, I thought.
    I knew Jason was always last into class. If he bothered showing up at all. I didn’t think on a Monday there would be much chance of that. Yet my heart still jumped at every movement and glance at my class mates, waiting for him.
    I was right, he didn’t show. Strangely that didn’t make me less nervous.
    It wasn’t unusual for Jason not to show on a Monday at all, so I was caught off guard when he actually bothered coming to Math class in the afternoon. Jason hadn’t started off in my Math group. I was in one of the lower sets, for people who struggled a bit. I figured they moved him down here a couple of weeks ago because he was getting so behind in all his classes.
    I was already seated when I saw him walk through the door. My eyes were like magnets drawn to him as I followed his movement through the class. He didn’t notice me, and trailed off to the back where a couple of the pot-heads already sat.
    I had twisted part way in my seat but didn’t want to make it obvious I was staring. I had to turn back to face the tedious sums and equations on the board. All I could think was, why hadn’t he noticed me?
    When the lesson ended I got up in a bid to catch Jason before he left. Other students blocked my way, all as eager to leave as the next. I had to go with the flow of the crowd, but deliberately slowed down. My heart was pounding out in the corridor, noise and bedlam on all sides as my class mates jostled past. I was knocked and jabbed with bags or sharp books as I hovered near the door.
    When Jason finally emerged I opened my mouth to say...something, but in those seconds where his gaze fell on me I froze. The small amount of confidence I’d built up before had vanished. I worried that if I said ‘hey’ it would sound lame, or ‘hi’ would sound equally bad.
    I looked down with nerves and slunk off into the crowd.
    My mind was a whir of thoughts. When I looked back on all this, I didn’t think those thoughts went particularly deep. No deeper than wondering how it was strange that after all my speculation about Jason in cars with other guys and finally finding out, my curiosity wasn’t sated. In fact it had peaked.
    Before I had naively assumed that if I knew what he did, experienced it maybe, I’d stop thinking about it and could get on with other stuff. In all innocence, I thought I was just being curious.
    I was totally surprised that I didn’t go back to how I was before.
    In fact, I was worse. Jason filled my thoughts completely and I didn’t see any way of stopping that. It didn’t even occur to me that it might be wrong or get me in trouble, so I didn’t try to stop. I honestly didn’t think much further than one thought at a time, and right then all I wanted was to talk to Jason.
    I stalled for days. Every time I saw him I thought, this is it, I’ll go up and... But I couldn’t think of what to say. I had to duck my head, letting my hair flop over my eyes in Mr. Thompson’s class, so it would appear I was looking down at my work when really I was staring off to the side. Jason caught me a couple of times. It was like he knew I was looking, and I wasn’t quick enough to look away. I thought he