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gone now.
    Grolon came back in then. He looked at me with curious eyes. I stood up and placed the file on his desk as he maneuvered around it to his seat. He opened a brown paper bag and removed a plastic-wrapped egg salad sandwich.
    “You okay?”
    “I’m fine.”
    “You want half?”
    “No.”
    “Well, how do you feel?”
    I smiled at the question because I had asked the same thing so many times. It must have thrown him off. He frowned.
    “See this?” I said, pointing to the scar on my face. “I got that for asking somebody that same thing once.”
    “Sorry.”
    “Don’t be. I wasn’t.”

5
    After viewing the file on my brother’s death I wanted the details of the Theresa Lofton case. If I was going to write about what my brother did, I had to know what he knew. I had to understand what he had come to understand. Only this time Grolon couldn’t help me. The active homicide files were kept under lock and Grolon would see more of a risk than a benefit in attempting to get the Lofton file for me.
    After I checked the CAPs squad room and found it emptied for lunch, the first place I looked for Wexler was the Satire. It was a favored place for cops to eat-and drink-at lunch. I saw him there in one of the rear booths. The only problem was, he was with St. Louis. They didn’t see me and I debated whether it would be better just to withdraw and try later to get to Wexler alone. But then Wexler’s eyes stopped on me. I walked over. I could see by their ketchup-smeared plates that they had finished eating. Wexler had what looked like a Jim Beam and ice on the table in front of him.
    “Would ya look at this?” Wexler said good-naturedly.
    I slid into the wide booth next to St. Louis. I chose his side so I would be looking at Wexler.
    “What is this?” St. Louis mildly protested.
    “It’s the press,” I said. “Howzit going?”
    “Don’t answer,” St. Louis said quickly to Wexler. “He wants something he can’t have.”
    “Of course I do,” I said. “What else is new?”
    “Nothing is new, Jack,” Wexler said. “Is what Big Dog says true? You want something you can’t have?”
    It was a dance. Friendly patter designed to ferret out the basic nut of information without specifically asking for it and confronting it. It went with the nicknames cops used. I had danced like this many times and I was good at it. They were finesse moves. Like practicing the three-man weave in high school basketball. Keep your eyes open for the ball, watch the other two men at once. I was always the finesse player. Sean was the strength. He was football. I was basketball.
    “Not exactly,” I said. “But I am back on the job again, boys.”
    “Oh, here we go,” St. Louis whined. “Hold on to your hats.”
    “So, what’s happening on the Lofton case?” I asked Wexler, ignoring St. Louis.
    “Whoa there, Jack, are you talking to us as a reporter now?” Wexler asked.
    “I’m only talking to you. And that’s right, as a reporter.”
    “Then no comment on Lofton.”
    “So the answer is nothing is happening.”
    “I said no comment.”
    “Look, I want to see what you’ve got. The case is almost three months old now. It’s going into the dead case file soon if it isn’t already there and you know it. I just want to see the file. I want to know what hooked Sean so deep.”
    “You’re forgetting something. Your brother was ruled a suicide. Case closed. It doesn’t matter what hooked him about Lofton. Besides, it’s not known as fact that it had anything to do with what he did. It’s collateral at best. But we’ll never know.”
    “Cut the crap. I just saw the file on Sean.” Wexler’s eyebrows raised a subliminal amount, I thought. “It’s all there. Sean was fucked up over this case. He was seeing a shrink, he was spending all of his time on it. So don’t tell me we’ll never know.”
    “Look, kid, we-“
    “Did you ever call Sean that?” I interrupted.
    “What?”
    “Kid. Did you ever call him