Read The New Topping Book for Free Online Page A

safeword too late rather than too soon. But remember – bottoms are there with you because they want to explore their limits, and they, not you, are the best judges of where those limits are. The safest and most growthful way to expand limits is with time, trust and practice: as partners play together and learn more about each other’s communications style and physical limitations, they tend to use encoded safewords less and less frequently. But even partners who have been together for years need safewords to signal the rare but critical situations where one partner or the other has a genuine physical or emotional emergency such as illness, injury, unexpected rage, age regression and the like.
    I F Y OU’RE D OING I T , I T’S “R EAL ”
     
    Both of us cringe, and have been known to get a bit snappish, when we hear phrases that start with “real” or “true” – “real submissive,” “true Master” and so on. When you hear someone say one of those phrases, we suggest you mentally translate them into what they really mean – “someone who plays in a way I approve of.” Usually, the next thing we hear is that so-and-so is not a “real” top or not “truly” submissive. Ick.
    Often, people who dismiss others as not being “real” are expressing scorn for limits which are both real and realistic, and which exist (acknowledged or unacknowledged) in all safe play. When you set yourself up an unattainable ideal role, and subtract points from your estimation of your friends and yourself whenever anyone falls short of that ideal, we think you are setting yourself up for a lot of disappointment.
    The player who does a light session twice a year is doing something extremely “real” – she is giving away or taking as much power as feels safe, healthy and sexy to him or her. So is the most extreme 24-hour-a-day, seven-day-a-week owner and slave couple.
    S/M is about contradiction, about paradox. A bottom who is (or pretends to be) without desires, fantasies or power is an unsafe and unhealthy bottom. A top who is (or pretends to be) without vulnerability, compromise or connection is an unsafe and unhealthy top.
    If you can’t understand these paradoxes – the ways in which symbolic powerlessness can empower and symbolic cruelty can sensitize – please sit down and think them through carefully. We hope that when you’re through thinking, you’ll realize how destructive concepts like “real dominant” and “true slave” can be, and discover the far greater joys that lie in play in which everybody’s needs and wants are acknowledged, honored and enjoyed.

 
    interlude 1
     
    A sensation scene at a party, played by Janet and a female friend.
    B. and I are close friends, but had played together before only once, in a very limited way; this would be our first full-on scene together. We are both het-identified bi women, both experienced players, and while we’re both switches, she is more comfortable in the bottom role. I knew from our discussions ahead of time that she enjoyed flagellation of all kinds, particularly on her butt, and that she was fond of play piercing and of both vaginal and anal penetration. While she is comfortable with dominant/submissive roleplay, she doesn’t need it to enjoy straight sensation play; since it isn’t a preference of mine, we decided to pass on any kind of mental control and simply go for the “high” of strong sensation. We agreed on safewords and were ready to go.
    We arrived at the party somewhat early, so we had our choice of bondage equipment. To start out, we chose a large cable-spool table, padded with vinyl and surrounded by handles. B. told me that bondage makes her feel uncomfortably confined and that she would prefer simply to be told to hold still. She hopped onto the table and I told her to lie face down, placing a thick pad of paper towels under her pussy to keep her juices off the equipment. I unfastened her garters and took down her stockings, but