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the scene without breaking role. Consider, for example, asking a bottom to kiss a whip or other implement: it lets the bottom know what is proposed, giving him or her the opportunity to question or object, or consent with a kiss.

    Threats of scary or new activity are also sexy, and offer a chance for the bottom if necessary to say "I don't think I'm quite ready for the steel bullwhip tonight, sir or madam."

    Checkins are necessary to stay in touch with what's going on, especially when the activity places the top in a location where she might not be able to hear words or read facial expressions, or when the top has reason to believe that the bottom has "gone under" to an extent that taking initiative may be difficult. Overly frequent
    checkins can be irritating: when a top asks you if you're okay every thirty seconds, you can come to feel that your top's need for reassurance is disrupting the play However, tops should not be forced to carry on with no reassurance whatsoever; then they might not feel safe to go as far as you want them to.

    A top can check in with questions like "Do you remember your safeword?" or "Are you still with me?" Partners can agree on a checkin code similar to a safeword -the "two squeezes" checkin, in which the top squeezes the bottom's hand twice to check in, and the bottom squeezes back twice if he is okay, is growing in popularity.

    Can You Change Your Mind? Some players believe consent should never be renegotiated "upwards" mid-scene, because when people are excited they may decide it would be great to do something that in a cooler moment they would regret. You are always entitled to withdraw consent if you have changed your mind about a proposed activity - you may have tried something new and found it didn't work, or you may have reacted in a way you hadn't expected.

    Some feel that it's okay to renegotiate consent when the situation is very clear. We've both had experiences in which "very clear" has sounded like "Yes! Push that limit! Do it now! Yes, please!" And that can indeed work very well at times, and we don't want to argue with inspiration... but, if there is any doubt at all, please include the activity in future negotiations rather than trying to include it in that session. Remember, there is always the future, and play that is worth doing is worth waiting for.

    The watchword for these kinds of decisions is "know thyself." The more you can be honest and accepting of yourself and your desires, the easier it is to make sane decisions about how to achieve them.
    Afterwards. Many good players also set up a time after the scene to review what happened, what worked, what didn't, who wanted more of what, and so on. Maybe the next day, maybe over brunch, maybe a phone call during the week - anytime but directly afterwards. Right after the scene, objectivity is not possible.

    Some communicate in person, others by e-mail - some dominants require their submissives to maintain a journal which the dominant can access.

    However you choose to organize this discussion, remember to include praise for what you liked, and approach any concerns or difficulties without blarne. None of us are psychic enough to prevent misunderstandings, and so we have to figure out more mundane ways to let each other know what s going on. In a friendly and cooperative manner, share what you liked, and what you might have liked different. Give your top a space to share her experience as well.

    If you make this a regular practice in your play, you will rapidly learn to collaborate to create scenes from your wildest fantasies!

The Bridge to Reality

    Most people's first bottoming experience does not take place in a bedroom or a playroom or a dungeon. It takes place on an absolutely ideal, perfectly decorated and populated stage: inside their minds. That was our first bottoming experience, and we bet it was yours too.

    On that mental stage, we are graceful and gorgeous, our tops do exactly the right kind of perfectly