The Morbidly Obese Ninja

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Book: Read The Morbidly Obese Ninja for Free Online
Authors: Carlton Mellick III
bug-eye.”
    “Don’t call me bug-eye, fatass!” she said.
    “You think they’re actually going to pay you?” he said in a raspy voice. “They’ll kill you without a second thought.”
    “But I did it for you,” she said.
    “Why?” he said. “Why do anything for me? You’re my emergency katana programmer that I occasionally sleep with. We mean nothing to each other.”
    “I love you,” she cried.
    “Big fucking deal,” he said.
    As Basu turned to leave the room, Chiya jumped from the driver’s seat and charged him. She pulled a switchblade out of her boot and drove it into his hip.
    “What do you mean big fucking deal ?” she shrieked into his ear.
    She wrapped her arm around his neck, squeezed her legs around his back, and stabbed him again in the chubby shoulder. Basu thrashed as if he had a spider crawling on him. His baggy arms couldn’t reach her.
    With no one at the wheel, the bus spun out of control. It ground against the side of a building, heading in a downward slope.
    “I’ve been waiting years for you,” she said, piercing the blade through a fold of fat on his neck. “You promised me.”
    Basu grunted at her. “When?”
    “When you were Keigo,” she said.
    He jerked forward and slammed her into the wall headfirst. She hit it with a clunk and fell to the floor.
    “I’m not Keigo anymore,” he said.

    Basu took control of the hover-bus, and pulled it to a stop on the side of a sky bridge. He held the wound on his hip, his blood trailing across the carpet as he staggered through the bus to make sure Oki was okay. He went into the bedroom. It was empty. He went upstairs into the loft. It was empty. The storefront was empty.
    He noticed that the front door was open. He went out onto the porch. It was crushed in on itself, ripped apart when the bus had collided with the building. The boy wasn’t there. He hoped Oki hadn’t been out there when the bus went out of control.
    When he went back inside, he noticed that the hover-scooter was missing. The boy must have escaped.
    “Chiya, you bitch,” he said.
    He took the iKatana off of Chiya’s desk and turned it on. It seemed to be working fine. He wondered if she had finished it last night but pretended it still needed work.
    Basu left red footprints as he staggered back to the front of the bus. Chiya was regaining consciousness, rubbing the top of her head. Basu picked her up by the elbow and tossed her out of the cockpit into the storefront area. Then he closed the door.
    He couldn’t fit his massive weight into the driver’s seat, so he ripped it out and tossed it through the window. Then he squatted down and drove off, back to the area where Chiya had been circling.
    He pulled some mayonnaise packets out of his pants and squirted them into his mouth. Then sucked down four more packets. Then four more. The white goo mixed with the red blood on his fingers. Pink globules rolled down his chin, splattering his belly like bird shit.
    Basu grunted. He pulled his iPet disc out of his pocket and it flipped on. The plump cyber-frog sat in his hand with languid eyes, as if it were half-asleep.
    Kero-kero , it croaked, as if asking what the hell do you want now ?
    Basu entered the specs into his iKatana and then held the cyber-frog out of the window. It pushed off of Basu’s palm and flew in a downward direction. The bus followed.

    There was a loud bang on the roof of the hover-bus. Then another bang. Basu looked up, wondering what was happening. Then he saw them. Gomen ninjas were raining out of the sky. They jumped from the surrounding windows and landed on top of the bus. First there were just a few, then a dozen.
    “We’re under attack,” Chiya shouted through the door, pounding on it with her tiny white fist.
    Basu grunted at the door.
    He tapped a message for Oekai into his iKatana and clicked send . The message had his coordinates and situation. He knew his company would send backup as soon as they could.
    A Gomen ninja burst

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