The Lust Lizard of Melancholy Cove

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Book: Read The Lust Lizard of Melancholy Cove for Free Online
Authors: Christopher Moore
Tags: Humor
Theophilus Crowe was keeping an eye on them from his spot at the bar.
    Since the death of Bess Leander, there had been a fight in the Slug almost every night. In addition, there were more pukers, more screamers, more criers, and more unwanted advances stifled with slaps.
    Theo had been very busy.So had Mavis Sand. Mavis was happy about it.
    Estelle came through the doors in her paint-spattered overalls and Shetland sweater, her hair pulled back in a long gray braid. Just inside, she paused as the music and the smoke washed over her. Some Mexican laborers were standing there in a group, drinking Budweisers, and one of them whistled at her.
    "I'm an old lady," Estelle said."Shame on you." She pushed her way through the crowd to the bar and ordered a white wine. Mavis served it in a plastic beer cup. (She was serving everything in plastic lately.
    Evidently, the Blues made people want to break glass – on each other.)
    "Busy?" Estelle said, although she had nothing to compare it to.
    "The Blues sure packs 'em in," Mavis said.
    "I don't much care for the Blues," said Estelle. "I enjoy Classical music."
    "Three bucks," said Mavis. She took Estelle's money and moved to the other end of the bar.
    Estelle felt as if she'd been slapped in the face.
    "Don't mind Mavis," a man's voice said. "She's always cranky."
    Estelle looked up, caught a shirt button,then looked up farther to find Theo's smile. She had never met the constable, but she knew who he was.
    "I don't even know why I came in here. I'm not a drinker."
    "Something going around," Theo said. "I think maybe we're going to have a stormy winter or something. People are coming out of the woodwork."
    They exchanged introductions and Theo complimented Estelle on her paintings, which he'd seen in the local galleries. Estelle dismissed the compliment.
    "This seems like a strange place to find the constable," Estelle said.
    Theo showed her the cell phone on his belt. "Base of operations," he said. "Most of the trouble has been starting in here anyway. If I'm here already, I can stop it before it escalates."
    "Very conscientious of you."
    "No, I'm just lazy," Theo said."And tired. In the last three weeks I've been called to five domestic disputes, ten fights, two people who barricaded themselves in the bathroom and threatened suicide, a guy who was going house to house knocking the heads off garden gnomes with a sledgehammer, and a woman who tried to take her husband's eye out with a spoon."
    "Oh my.Sounds like one day in the life of anL.A. cop."
    "This isn'tL.A.," Theo said. "I don't mean to complain, but I'm not really prepared for a crime wave."
    "And there's nowhere left to run," Estelle said.
    "Pardon?"
    "People come here to run away from conflict, don't you think? Come to a small town to get out of the violence and the competition in the city. If you can't handle it here, there's nowhere else to go. You might as well give up."
    "Well, that's a little cynical. I thought artists were supposed to be idealists."
    "Scratch a cynic and you'll find a disappointed romantic," Estelle said.
    "That's you?" Theo asked."A disappointed romantic?"
    "The only man I ever loved died."
    "I'm sorry," Theo said.
    "Me too."She drained her cup of wine.
    "Easy on that, Estelle.It doesn't help."
    "I'm not a drinker. I just had to get out of the house."
    There was some shouting over by the pool table. "My presence is required," Theo said. "Excuse me."
    He made his way through the crowd to where two men were squaring off to fight.
    Estelle signaled Mavis for a refill and turned to watch Theo try to make peace. CatfishJefferson sang a sad song about a mean old woman doing him wrong. That's me, Estelle thought.A mean old worthless woman.
    Self-medication was working by midnight. Most of the customers at the Slug had given in and started clapping and wailing along with Catfish's Blues. Quite a few had given up and gone home. By closing time, there were only five people left in the Slug and Mavis was cackling

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