great shape, just look at him …”
“We got a good enough look outside, thank you.”
“If he’s acting a little strange, it’s because you woke him up,” Patrick told them, all the while still wondering why Kelly was acting
beyond strange.
“I don’t know if you know this, but waking him up in the middle of something like this can result in permanent brain damage. Some somnambulists have been known to die of shock.”
Officer Mustache frowned. “Somnambulists?”
“Sleepwalkers.”
“All sleepwalkers, or nonofficial ones like Kelly here?”
Officer Sideburns chuckled.
“Look, please …” Patrick felt circumstances tilting in an uncomfortable direction. Kelly’s behavior was making attentive cops out of previously bored ones. Once interested in the situation, these two officers might actually get interested in their
jobs
, after which it was anyone’s guess what they’d do to Kelly. Slapon the wrist or jail time, Patrick didn’t feel like risking it. And so he reached into his treasure trove of bullshit and began handing out shiny gold coins. “Give Kelly a break, Officers. If he’s not all that comfortable talking about his sleepwalking, it’s only because he’s never been diagnosed. And he’s never been diagnosed because there’s no telling what that might do to his career.”
“Career?”
“I don’t want to brag, but you’re looking at the Buckeyes’ starting quarterback come August.” Patrick caught Kelly’s confused expression out of the corner of his eye, charged ahead before the cops could notice. “Ohio State University, division one. Could’ve gone to Notre Dame, Michigan, Florida State, they were all clawing at each other for a piece of Kelly McDermott. Now, would either of you, given such an opportunity, want somnambulism as an official diagnosis? A disease that’s been linked to vitamin D deficiency, hypoglycemia, and bone apoplexy?”
Officer Sideburns winced. “Bone apoplexy?”
“The worst kind of apoplexy,” Patrick added, reminding himself to look up
apoplexy
, first chance he got. “The
worst
kind.”
“Wait a second.” Officer Mustache straightened, thumbs hooked onto his belt. “Did you say Kelly McDermott?”
Patrick swallowed. “Yeah.”
“Kelly
McDermott
?”
“Yeah, we told you that when you brought him in—”
“Well, I’ll be damned!” Officer Mustache smacked his citation book against his hand, followed up with the same against his partner’s shoulder. “Richardson, this is Kelly McDermott! I read about him in the
Observer….
I read about
you
in the
Observer
, young man.” Officer Mustache was focusing on Kelly once again. “Last month! They bumped Arizona to page two, for
high school football.
Talking about you being unstoppable.
Destiny’s child
, that was the joke…. Remember that, Richardson?”
Officer Sideburns scratched his hat, sending it askew. “Well …”
“I
do
remember now!” Officer Mustache took a seat next to Kelly, who bobbed his head at a pacifying pace with everything he was told. “Yes. Yes, I remember you
had
applied to Ohio State, that’s right! And you got in, well, that is
great.
Got the state finals this weekend, against …”
Patrick saw Kelly’s eyes go blank at the sight of fingers snapping and decided to jump in. “Wilson. Going to play Wilson tomorrow.”
“Going to
beat
Wilson tomorrow!” Officer Mustache laughed, stomping his foot and giving Kelly’s neck a robust pinch. “I’m sorry, Kelly, we didn’t know it was you. Did we, Richardson?”
“No, we didn’t,” Officer Sideburns agreed, growing bored once again.
Patrick masked his relief with a quick cough. “I’m sorry, anybody got the time?”
“Oh hell …” Officer Mustache checked his watch, forgot to share. “You boys should be getting to school pretty soon, shouldn’t you?”
“Well …” Patrick smiled best he could. “Don’t think Kelly can show up like this, now, can he?”
Officer Mustache shook the