Read The Housewife Assassin's Killer Christmas Tips for Free Online Page B

fits and gulps. “Mommy, are you in a cahoot, too?”
    How do I answer her?
    Yes, of course I’m in a cahoot!
    I’ve perpetrated this ruse because that’s what we parents do this time of year. Be it a jolly old elf, a tree covered in lights and tinsel, a child in a manger, a miraculous eight days of light provided by a single day’s supply of oil, or a month to make a pilgrimage to Mecca, we have to believe in something, for God’s sake!
    If we don’t have faith, we have nothing.
    But how do I explain this to a five-year-old?
    If she feels deceived about who brings the toys, I guess next she’ll be questioning whether a bunny brings the chocolate she finds in her Easter basket.
    I knew this day would come, but I hadn’t counted on it happening so soon.
    Time to punt. “I don’t think ‘cahoot’ is the right word, Trisha. I’d say that many parents introduce their children to the tradition of Santa Claus because he encourages boys and girls to be good all year round, which is why they deserve at least one special gift at Christmas.”
    Trisha’s face flickers through a baker’s dozen emotions. “I… I guess that makes sense, but… Oh, I don’t know! Janie says if Santa is really making all those toys, how can he spend his day going from mall to mall?”
    Unlike her mother, Babette, nothing gets by Janie. I’ve got to nip this in the bud, like now. “If he’s doesn’t ask the children what they want, how will he know which toys to drop at their homes on Christmas Eve?”
    I can tell Trisha is wavering, that she wants to believe what she has just heard.
    Am I wrong to want her to believe this traditional fib?
    “Sweetie, if it would help, I’ll take you to the mall so that you can meet with Santa and talk to him about it.”
    She nods adamantly. “Can we go tomorrow?”
    “Of course! Right after school.”
    If the Hilldale Mall Santa is willing to play along, there a ten spot in it for him.
    For me, it’s worth every penny. Trisha is my youngest. The day she quits believing in Santa is one more milestone in her life. Sorry, but I’m just not ready for her to reach it.
    Not yet, anyway.
    My children are growing up much too quickly.
    Just what I need, one more part of life out of my control.

Chapter 5
    Making the Holidays Your Own
     
    Bah, humbug! Not in the holiday spirit? One way to shake the doldrums is to create a holiday tradition unique to your family.
    For example, you can collaborate on your very own Christmas carol!
    Seriously, it’s not that hard! Just follow this pattern:
    Intro, verse, verse, chorus, break; verse, verse, break; bridge, breakout.
    See? Easy, peasy!
    After working through two or three verses, which express your prayers of thanks (example: Dad avoided the drunk tank, little Tommy didn’t fail the fifth grade again) and hopes for the coming year (a raise, some much needed weight loss, peace for all mankind, yada yada), you’ll move onto the chorus, which crescendos into a catchy ditty—about Santa, snow, stars, elves, or whatever—in four-part harmony.
    If you don’t murder each other by the time the song is completed and up on YouTube, you’ve witnessed the biggest Christmas miracle of all: a family collaboration!
    (Side note: Make sure the copyright is in your name, and register the song with ASCAP so the royalties go to you, as opposed to that drunk you married or the kids who whined and snickered all the way through the process. And yes, you can leave all the money you make on this sure-fire hit to your cat.)
     

     
    “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.” I choke up as I whisper this to the priest on the other side of the confessional booth inside Saint Basil’s Church in downtown Los Angeles.
    The lump in my throat has nothing to do with what I’m about to say, and everything to do with what I had for breakfast—boulder-heavy scones made by Mary, who just so happens to be baking-challenged. What a mother won’t do to encourage their children toward