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thing: go out for dinner and a movie, usually by ourselves, though sometimes with friends. There wasn't much else to do.40Tonight I took her a little stuffed panda I'd picked up at the store, even though she'd gotten over her anger at me about Manuel. At her house I helped with the evening feeding of adopted cats and dogs. Then for our own dinner we agreed on the little Chinese restaurant, one of the few options for eating out in our town.On our drive Angie was in a sweet, happy mood. She smiled at me, played with the panda, and rubbed my hand between hers. Over dinner we talked about our upcoming SATs and about universities for next year. We had discussed going to college together, and Angie wanted to apply to Texas AM's veterinary school. Her life's dream was to be a vet. Mine was to be a minister.We made it through our veggie pot stickers, Ma-Po tofu, and stir-fried eggplant without any mention of Manuel.
    When we broke open our fortune cookies, Angie's said: If you think the sea is blue and I think it's green, why try to convince you?"That's true!" Angie laughed, her ponytail bouncing back. I loved her laugh--self-assured and joyful.My fortune said: For sunlight to shine through a window, the blinds must be raised.To me, both messages seemed kind of, like, duh.After dinner we headed to a movie at our town's one dinky little mall--or, as we called it, the (s)mall. The film was a romantic comedy that followed the standard Hollywood formula: boy meets girl, loses girl, and wins girl back. Along the way, boy and girl get into a heavy make-out session and usually land in bed.In contrast, Angie and I had been a couple for nearly five years but had never gone beyond making out, much less landed in bed. After all, we were Christians. At least that's how I rationalized it. I didn't admit that my passion for her all took place above my waist. I'd never thought about sex with her. Instead, I tried to be the perfect boyfriend, imitating the romantic gestures I'd41watched Pa show my ma: I held doors for Angie, gave her chocolates on Valentine's Day, slipped my jacket onto her shoulders if she felt cold ...I loved her--of that I had no doubt.

    Aside from my family, she was the most important person in the world to me. She was funny, fun, kind, smart, and always there for me. I loved the time we spent together, whether talking, studying, praying, or just hanging out. Even when we argued, I never stopped loving her. But as much as I wanted to, I felt none of the lusty in-love-ness I watched on screen, even when we kissed or slow-danced.One lunchtime during sophomore year Dakota had stirred up a discussion about what constituted premarital sex. "To me," she argued, "that only means you can't have intercourse.""No way!" Elizabeth protested. "Sex includes any kind of sex.""What do you guys think?" Dakota asked Angie and me."Well," Angie replied, "I think it's a personal decision between two people and God."Then the three girls shifted their gaze to me."Um ..." I poked my fork into my mashed potatoes. "I think, um, a couple should wait on anything sexual till marriage."And secretly, I prayed that when the time came God would make me want to have sex with a woman.In tonight's silly comedy, the girl mistook the boy, a lab janitor, for a rocket scientist. Hoping to score an easy lay, he went along with the mistaken identity. But then he found himself falling in love and feared that if she found out who he really was, he'd lose her.Although it was a lame story, I laughed--probably from nerves. What if Angie found out my secret? Would she still love me? I didn't want to hurt her. But I didn't want to lose her either. She wasn't just my girl friend; she was my best friend.42Angie stroked my hand in the darkness of the theater, glancing at me every time the couple kissed--and when they landed in bed. Her longing was obvious.I squeezed her hand but kept my eyes glued to the screen, praying, Please, God, make me feel toward Angie like the guy in the