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take her long to figure that. Soon, tears would start pouring down my cheek. Something about her smile had changed ever so slightly. Now, she raised her hand. "Nothing. Your kisses were worth it."
    Her smile drove me crazy. Her unconcerned manner made it very clear to me how much I'd been kidding myself. Love didn't occur to her. And I obviously was not the woman who could change that. That the opposite was the case for me was obviously my problem. She couldn't afford love in her profession. That should've been clear to me from the beginning. And only an old, macho, sucker of a woman like me could've expected anything else. I could turn anyone my way, couldn't I? Yes, a "normal" woman perhaps, but her? She'd had more women in bed than I could even imagine.
    I saw myself as if in a mirror. An average-looking female manager with the typical short lesbian cut in her dark hair. - That'd be a nice contrast to her blonde. - Stop it already! One doesn't make jokes in that situation! But the objective attitude that the intellectual in me forced at that moment helped me back down to earth for now, and helped hold back the tears I already felt pressing on my eyeballs. I had to laugh involuntarily, even if it seemed a little out of place. "Well, then," I said, just to say something at all. And she reached out her hand to shake! Automatically, I laid my hand in hers.
    How unbelievable this moment seemed... an eternity of five seconds. She stayed perfectly in character. She was still smiling. I couldn't any more. I turned quickly and ran for the door. As I closed it behind me, I saw from the corner of my eye that she'd already turned around and gone to the bedroom. She would enjoy her unexpectedly free day...
    I pushed the button for the elevator - and then took the stairs anyway. I went down so slowly I could feel each individual step under my feet. I would've liked most to be going the other direction. It was all so senseless. I'd been in my office for years, I could lead projects and head a project team, make decisions, spend or earn millions for the firm, and what was I doing here? I was agonizing over a woman who wasn't worth it, who didn't want me at all.
    The path home was a blur of tearful glances. My surroundings passed me in a dismal flood. Hopeful and then resigned thoughts shot through my head. Maybe she'd still ... maybe not... She'd probably long forgotten me by now. She'd take a little ride through the neighborhood - I could easily imagine her in a chic little sports car. Well, maybe in a bigger car, with her long legs. Oh, what did it matter to me? What had I expected? This wasn't the first time I'd fallen for a woman who didn't feel the same way about me. And it certainly wasn't the first time I'd suffered for it. And had I grown one bit wiser from the experience? No!
    I remembered one of my "great loves" from back in my college dormitory. She'd looked similar to her. Actually, they all looked something like that. And as soon as I saw such a blonde, blue-eyed madonna, I was gone. That was it! My studies suffered - every woman cost me at least a semester - and I suffered. What did I want with that? Now I had a good job, I'd been single for awhile, and everything was going pretty well - wasn't it? But with her ... with her there was something else. An extra feeling. Mother of God! You've imagined that to be there every time. Every time, the woman was something special. Just be happy that all your colleagues are men, or there'd be imminent chaos there, too. Then you'd never have lasted six years with the company.
    I had to realize that things always returned to normal. And I hadn't learned a thing. A pretty woman, if she was blonde, could have anything from me. And I fell in love with her almost automatically. One of my grandmothers had prophesied that I wouldn't have it easy in life. It had annoyed me at the time. But hadn't it happened just that way? Why did I have to make it so unnecessarily difficult for myself? I went