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time.
    It hadn’t always been that way. In her high school days, kissing had always been sweet and exciting. The few times she’d been a little daring, she’d felt even more. Wandering clumsy hands on her breasts had felt wicked and thrilling, hinting at a big promise of what was to come. But she had never gone any further. She’d been saving herself for Something Big.
    Something Big walked into her life the first month of her freshman year at Ole Miss during a mixer at her new sorority house. Though she’d pledged Phi Mu out of desire for the promised sisterhood and instant belonging, she still felt unsure and out of place. Alexander’s good looks, place on the tennis team, and private school education had made him seem dazzling and sophisticated. It was probably all smoke and mirrors but she didn’t question it. At the time, she only knew
he
had chosen
her
.
    In the beginning, it had been exciting when he kissed and touched her. By homecoming, she knew that she was truly in love and ready to give herself to him completely. Only it didn’t go like she’d expected. Sex turned out to be painful, messy, and quick — nothing like their sweet romantic make out sessions. At first she’d thought it was because she wasn’t practiced, but by Christmas she knew there was something wrong with her. She’d been too ashamed to talk to anyone, so she came to terms with it. Alexander never complimented her but he never complained, either. It would be enough for her, she decided. For the next three years, she surrendered her body to him and built rosy dreams of blond babies and life with a man who would always shine a little brighter than everyone else. What did it matter if she wasn’t good at sex? In a way, it made making love more of a gift to him.
    Then came that awful day in February of her senior year when he’d called and asked her to come to his room at the fraternity house. He was sorry. He really loved her, but he needed someone more responsive. And, really, this was better for her — she’d see. She’d made it all the way to the front door before she turned and went back. Surely, if he loved her, like he said, they could resolve this. She would try harder, read more books, and maybe see a doctor.
    But he was too blond, too good looking, and too charming to bother with someone who was all window dressing and no delivery.
    His door was ajar and just as she’d started to push it open, his phone rang. It hadn’t been her intent to eavesdrop but her hesitation led to that. “It went all right. She took it pretty well,” he said, and then, “No, no. Don’t come over here. We need to lie low for a while. I’ll come there.” Her feet turned to lead; otherwise, she would have run. As it was, she hid in an alcove down the hall and watched him lock his door and leave. Then, she’d walked back to the Phi Mu house, too stunned and humiliated to feel anything else.
    Sitting on her bed, sharp little icicles shot through her. So this was what a broken heart felt like. She’d seen it before — many times, right in the halls of this house. And what happened next? She’d seen that too. First there would be tears, then a night out with the girls in a bar. Maybe some picture burning, drunk dialing, and a new hair color. Definitely some righteous indignation. But eventually, there would be another party, another guy, and another reason to hope.
    Except there wouldn’t be any of that for her. This wasn’t just a broken heart; it was a broken life. How stupid she’d been to think if she loved enough, that nothing else mattered. She should have known better. Maybe you could have sex without love, but you couldn’t have love without sex. And an unresponsive body was no gift.
    Well, she might be a lost cause, and she might be easily replaced. But she would
not
be humiliated.
    Lanie had gotten up from her bed, packed most of her clothes, and left. To hell with the rug, the microwave, and the short tight dress she’d bought